This month I have decided to share with you a beautiful poem John wrote. We found it after he died and have framed it because it was titled "for Mom and Dad"
To say that John was a handful when he was young is an understatement. There were times when he was two that I would lay in bed at night and tell my husband that I didn't say one kind thing to him all day.
Oh, the stories are endless...he told my 90 year old great aunt to "drop the pwesants and weave" at his second birthday..then when she tried to steady herself by holding on to the back of his high chair while we were singing happy birthday to him, he noticed she had invaded his space and proceeded to physically remove her hands! And the face on him while it was happening..we have it on tape!
He was caught more than once relieving himself in the bushes of the Carmelite Nursery and single-handedly caused the retirement of one nun...who told me once that the problem with him was that you couldn't make him cry! (to which I replied that I didn't realize that was a goal of nursery school)
It goes on and on...and I probably will mention more of them as this blog proceeds... However, I often think I wish that I could go back and tell him how much I always loved him, how proud I was of the man he had become..and to ask if I was forgiven for any time I had done anything that was hurtful toward him. In short, I wish I could ask him if I was a good enough mother...
and then we found this...
Blessed are the ones who sow
for they alone bring crops to grow.
And in the case of sickly stems
that others would soon stamp out
those who sow shall blanket in cold,
and water in times of drought.
Ironically, the tallest, proudest plant in the field
was scheduled to be stomped out long ago
and quietly it would have been
were it not for those who sow.
My point in all of this is that you just never know the lasting effect your actions have...and you may not get to fix a mistake or a slight...and you don't really know who the tallest, proudest plant will be...so this month, try to make sure you remember that...and treat every little plant as though it will become something beautiful...cause they do sometimes in spite of us..but just think of how much more good can be done if we try! (I do realize I somehow lucked out in life with John..he turned out great all by himself...but I hope that I can make up for the mean things I said or did to him...and all his friends know what I mean by that!)
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
March 10, 2009
Although I really don't think John would like to be used as a role model because he never thought he was, in retrospect, all the little tiny things he did were so remarkable for someone so young. I don't think I gave him enough praise for them when they happened...and we all know how I can gush..Maybe this is my way of making up for it..If I can get enough people to just copy the things he did once a month it would make the world a little better for everyone.
so, here is my story...
As you know, our family loves any type of technology, so naturally, when iPods were first introduced Johnny got one for Christmas. Because it involved music he caught on right away (unlike some of the other gizos that were supposed to help him get organized) He spent a whole day putting his music on it..and in those days it was difficult because the PC to iPod connection was not very smooth. He was very organized and filled up the memory quickly, but he loved it. Used it in the car, etc.. He was into it.
Well, when my sister came with her kids, my niece Charlotte showed up with a new laptop. I was telling her about John's music and decided that I would let her borrow his music by uploading his iPod to her computer. We loaded iTunes and promptly wiped out his iPod when we tried to "sync" with Charlotte's empty computer! If I had taken the time to read the instructions I would have known that it isn't a sync at all..it is a one way transfer and because Charlottes computer was empty it took all her emptyness and transferred it into John's iPod! Then I think we made matters worse by somehow getting the music off his computer too...in any case it was not good..and I felt terrible for him.
so, here is my story...
As you know, our family loves any type of technology, so naturally, when iPods were first introduced Johnny got one for Christmas. Because it involved music he caught on right away (unlike some of the other gizos that were supposed to help him get organized) He spent a whole day putting his music on it..and in those days it was difficult because the PC to iPod connection was not very smooth. He was very organized and filled up the memory quickly, but he loved it. Used it in the car, etc.. He was into it.
Well, when my sister came with her kids, my niece Charlotte showed up with a new laptop. I was telling her about John's music and decided that I would let her borrow his music by uploading his iPod to her computer. We loaded iTunes and promptly wiped out his iPod when we tried to "sync" with Charlotte's empty computer! If I had taken the time to read the instructions I would have known that it isn't a sync at all..it is a one way transfer and because Charlottes computer was empty it took all her emptyness and transferred it into John's iPod! Then I think we made matters worse by somehow getting the music off his computer too...in any case it was not good..and I felt terrible for him.
What is noteworthy about this day was that he never said a thing except "that's ok". I asked if he was going to have to reload all his music and he said "yes, but it's ok" and he never brought it up again.
Ever...
never mentioned it when we spoke of situations like it or reminded me when he could have said..."mom.. remember when you wrecked my computer?? " He never did, not once. And so today my message is to let things go, don't harp on things, and just move on. I have never forgotten that I did that so I didn't need to be reminded. Now I look back and think of what a wonderful gesture it was for him to just forgive me and forget it...and I am thankful for that. And I love him more for it.
So today, when someone makes a mistake...try to let it go...
everyone will be better for it.
Thank you and good luck..it is not as easy as it seems to let go.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
February 9,2009
Hello everyone. Hope all that signed on to the one smile every day resolution is finding it easy to do. I think that by sending everyone this link to the Comedy Night that Lauren’s group is having will bring a smile to them. They work very hard to get this going…God love them, I know that John is proud of them. (www.sticksman.org)
Now for my message:
I know you all know how much I miss John every single day. I think of him all the time, no matter how hard I try to go back to my old self, I just can’t! Mary and I were talking about him last week and I mentioned how much I missed touching his hands, holding his face in my hands as I kissed him goodbye or hello, or his “way too hard” hugs. Mary misses the personal connection they had when she would snuggle into his neck. Even though I know I will be with him again, I ache for the human touch of him that I will never, ever feel again and I think that is the hardest for Mary too.
I wished that someone had told me to take a minute to think about those little things you would miss if you were not going to get to see the people you love again, and take the time to cherish them. I so want to hold those hands again, or kiss that cheek…so please take some time this month to do it…even if you are not very affectionate…it is almost Valentine’s Day so use that as the excuse.
Now for my message:
I know you all know how much I miss John every single day. I think of him all the time, no matter how hard I try to go back to my old self, I just can’t! Mary and I were talking about him last week and I mentioned how much I missed touching his hands, holding his face in my hands as I kissed him goodbye or hello, or his “way too hard” hugs. Mary misses the personal connection they had when she would snuggle into his neck. Even though I know I will be with him again, I ache for the human touch of him that I will never, ever feel again and I think that is the hardest for Mary too.
I wished that someone had told me to take a minute to think about those little things you would miss if you were not going to get to see the people you love again, and take the time to cherish them. I so want to hold those hands again, or kiss that cheek…so please take some time this month to do it…even if you are not very affectionate…it is almost Valentine’s Day so use that as the excuse.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Januray 11, 2009
Happy New Year
It is difficult to let go of the holiday theme when you worked for 27 years at the elementary school level so naturally I have been thinking about resolutions this month. I don’t remember John doing much of it but I do think I certainly need to! I also don’t’ want to preach to others or suggest anything that I couldn’t do myself for a whole year and this is what I came up with; try to make someone smile every day.
It could be a thoughtful gesture or a funny remark or just a little surprise but all those things are not too hard to do and would make your world a better place. I think everyone could use a smile during these tough times and to be the person to give that little gift to others will make you feel better at the end of the day as well!
I hope John likes my plan…he is probably thinking I should be doing more than one to make up for all the times I make my family frown every day!!
It is difficult to let go of the holiday theme when you worked for 27 years at the elementary school level so naturally I have been thinking about resolutions this month. I don’t remember John doing much of it but I do think I certainly need to! I also don’t’ want to preach to others or suggest anything that I couldn’t do myself for a whole year and this is what I came up with; try to make someone smile every day.
It could be a thoughtful gesture or a funny remark or just a little surprise but all those things are not too hard to do and would make your world a better place. I think everyone could use a smile during these tough times and to be the person to give that little gift to others will make you feel better at the end of the day as well!
I hope John likes my plan…he is probably thinking I should be doing more than one to make up for all the times I make my family frown every day!!
Friday, December 12, 2008
December
Sorry I am late with this post but it has been a crazy day. Spent the better part at a funeral and had to think how odd that I would spend this day..the full moon, at yet another funeral and then a mercy meal at the Community House. I used to think it was just horrible to have a loss at the holidays but now I know it doesn't make one bit of difference...they are never the same.
I did think of my post today and it occured to me that everyone should center their thoughts on the gifts they do have, right this minute, and be sure to take some time to appreciate them. John was certainly a master of that...he would have someone waiting in the driveway to pick him up and run to the shower because he had been writing music too long (sorry Tim, I did yell at him for that). But he never got worked up about it...and aren't we all so happy now to have his beautiful words and songs. And aren't we all glad that he did spend that extra minute with us..never rushing us..just being there..in the moment...for us.
It is so easy to get caught up in the things you think you should do at this time of year that it just isn't fun when the family comes..we are too worn out..Take it from John, being good to yourself allows you to give the gift of yourself to others, and that is something to treasure. So relax, no one remembers anything but the laughs and acts of kindness! So, focus on giving those to everyone you meet this year!
Love to all!
I did think of my post today and it occured to me that everyone should center their thoughts on the gifts they do have, right this minute, and be sure to take some time to appreciate them. John was certainly a master of that...he would have someone waiting in the driveway to pick him up and run to the shower because he had been writing music too long (sorry Tim, I did yell at him for that). But he never got worked up about it...and aren't we all so happy now to have his beautiful words and songs. And aren't we all glad that he did spend that extra minute with us..never rushing us..just being there..in the moment...for us.
It is so easy to get caught up in the things you think you should do at this time of year that it just isn't fun when the family comes..we are too worn out..Take it from John, being good to yourself allows you to give the gift of yourself to others, and that is something to treasure. So relax, no one remembers anything but the laughs and acts of kindness! So, focus on giving those to everyone you meet this year!
Love to all!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Full Moon
Happy, Happy 25th Birthday John.
This full moon is a “no brainer” for me. Naturally, in November, we all think about Thanksgiving and what we have to be thankful for (and I am beyond thankful for the wonderful friends John left us, who keep us going almost every day). But tonight, on the eve of the full moon, it is John’s 25th birthday so I also think of the 23 birthdays we had together…
From the 2nd birthday when he told my Mom and Grandmother and Great Aunt Anna to “just dwop the pwesents and weave” to the fabulous dinners we had as he grew up, when we would all dress in our finest and pick some place that was special and expensive and laugh and eat the night away! I can still picture sitting across from that handsome face with his smile that would melt your heart and think how lucky I was to have such an incredible family…and although my heart aches to return to that life I am thankful that I had it at all.
But I digress, because the real message for me tonight comes right from John because he was famous for his thank you notes. I have had more than one person tell me that they saved them…and after he died I actually got a copy of one he sent to Evelyn Lawnsby, thanking her for chaperoning a trip to the salt marshes when they were little… Anyone who has ever received a thank you note from him will understand… he was just able to put into words how he felt in his heart and it was so sincere! I never read, nor did I help with any of them…but I did have to haunt him to write them!
So, I hope you will take his lead and thank someone, anyone at all, today. While it would be lovely to actually write the words for them to keep and re-read I think he will be happy with just a simple word of thanks to any person you meet today who deserves it! And when you go to bed after doing that all day you will be able to think of how lucky you are to have so much to be thankful for!!
So, good luck and Thanks for listening!
Happy Full Moon
Happy, Happy 25th Birthday John.
This full moon is a “no brainer” for me. Naturally, in November, we all think about Thanksgiving and what we have to be thankful for (and I am beyond thankful for the wonderful friends John left us, who keep us going almost every day). But tonight, on the eve of the full moon, it is John’s 25th birthday so I also think of the 23 birthdays we had together…
From the 2nd birthday when he told my Mom and Grandmother and Great Aunt Anna to “just dwop the pwesents and weave” to the fabulous dinners we had as he grew up, when we would all dress in our finest and pick some place that was special and expensive and laugh and eat the night away! I can still picture sitting across from that handsome face with his smile that would melt your heart and think how lucky I was to have such an incredible family…and although my heart aches to return to that life I am thankful that I had it at all.
But I digress, because the real message for me tonight comes right from John because he was famous for his thank you notes. I have had more than one person tell me that they saved them…and after he died I actually got a copy of one he sent to Evelyn Lawnsby, thanking her for chaperoning a trip to the salt marshes when they were little… Anyone who has ever received a thank you note from him will understand… he was just able to put into words how he felt in his heart and it was so sincere! I never read, nor did I help with any of them…but I did have to haunt him to write them!
So, I hope you will take his lead and thank someone, anyone at all, today. While it would be lovely to actually write the words for them to keep and re-read I think he will be happy with just a simple word of thanks to any person you meet today who deserves it! And when you go to bed after doing that all day you will be able to think of how lucky you are to have so much to be thankful for!!
So, good luck and Thanks for listening!
Monday, October 13, 2008
October 15, 2008
Hello again, another full moon is upon us!
I have been thinking about the financial issues lately and noticed how little they are bothering me. In fact, John and I spoke about it just today and we agreed that we just didn’t care!
I think that when you already lived through the worst thing that could ever happen to you it does make you think of what is really, truly, important. My wish for everyone who reads this today is that they will just take the time to look at how lucky you are to have a family you can count on…to laugh with…and make some happy memories.
In the end, simple things like “family fun night” are the ones you can look back on and it always makes you smile. One time we played the game of Life and John had so many kids that he needed two cars! John Ryan and Lauren thought it was the funniest thing they ever saw..their dad with 10 kids!
I miss hugging and kissing my baby every single day but I don’t ever have regrets about the fun we all had just being together…all of us would rather be together than with anyone else..and that is a blessing that I am thankful for.
So, today, spend some time with the people you love and take a minute to realize how lucky you are.
I have been thinking about the financial issues lately and noticed how little they are bothering me. In fact, John and I spoke about it just today and we agreed that we just didn’t care!
I think that when you already lived through the worst thing that could ever happen to you it does make you think of what is really, truly, important. My wish for everyone who reads this today is that they will just take the time to look at how lucky you are to have a family you can count on…to laugh with…and make some happy memories.
In the end, simple things like “family fun night” are the ones you can look back on and it always makes you smile. One time we played the game of Life and John had so many kids that he needed two cars! John Ryan and Lauren thought it was the funniest thing they ever saw..their dad with 10 kids!
I miss hugging and kissing my baby every single day but I don’t ever have regrets about the fun we all had just being together…all of us would rather be together than with anyone else..and that is a blessing that I am thankful for.
So, today, spend some time with the people you love and take a minute to realize how lucky you are.
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