Full Cold Moon. December is usually considered the month that the winter cold begins to fasten its grip. (Certainly true in Boston this year, it has been a very mild fall but today it was below freezing when I left for work!!)
Naturally I have been thinking of the holidays lately and with it missing John...still.
I have tried to snap myself out of the constant state of sadness by focusing on the fact that he was truly a gift given to me. A source of amusement (most of the time) to me his entire life. In fact once, when he was little, I was complaining about his behavior to my husband and the reply was "well, if you didn't always laugh at him he might behave better" (true, I did always think he was funny...even when he was a terror)
After John died I have spent my time focused on the sadness within my family but recently I have realized that he is so missed by many, many more people than I could ever imagine. The wonderful and talented man, (Scott Norton) who produced the first EP that John's band did offered to take all the recordings off his recorder for us...it was such a thoughtful gesture by an incredible guy who I would trust with John's work above all others. Well, we met him one night this fall when he came to Boston with a band he was working for and he told me how hard it was for him to do this work...to listen to John's voice, his songs, his little snippets of conversations to himself as he recorded. I have been thinking of it since that night and feel so much more gratitude towards him...if that was possible...I just never realized how hard that would be for a guy as sensitive as he is...and there is really nothing I could ever do to repay him for that...
Then, a few weeks ago, out of the blue we got an email from another friend of John's named Geneva, who was on Craig's list and saw instruments for free...so she let us know about it so we can get them for our little foundation! It is incredible to me to think that anyone outside our circle would still think of him...and try to help.
This just blows me away...and makes me realize that not only did I get him for a gift ... he was the gift that keeps on giving because so many people who he knew are still there for him (and by default..us) How lucky are we????
So, my thought this month is that if we try very, very, hard...we can find the good in anything. Believe me, I still feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest every day but I am trying...and I hope that someday I will trade the elephant for something a little smaller.
I do know this.... I am so grateful for the gifts I have been given in life, even if they were only given to me for a short time...they have all been worth it and I am glad that I knew it even when I had them...so take a moment to appreciate what you have been given...it may not be there tomorrow.
So..Thank you Scott and Geneva, you made realize how much I owe to so many like you who are always there...I do so appreciate each and every one of you and pray that you will be acknowledged by others too...for certainly your kindness is not limited to me.