September 2011 - Full Corn Moon

Full Corn Moon – September This full moon’s name is attributed to Native Americans because it marked when corn was supposed to be harvested. Most often, the September full moon is actually the Harvest Moon.

I have been asked twice in as many days what’s up with my full moon posts…I have been busy helping out with the babies and I just figured that I was a pest sending these things out every month…anyone who knows me is well aware that I struggle to do what I suggest in my Blog …John was my inspiration… when he died I would look back on his life and noticed that he did so many small acts of kindness for so many people…and he never looked for recognition for them…they were just a part of his personality. The fact that the world wasn’t going to continue to get the benefits of John seemed a shame to me…hence the Blog. When I first mentioned that I was considering this undertaking Lauren asked if I could think of enough stories about John to keep it going…and as those of you who knew him would agree…I can!!

The idea of this months blog came to me as I read the book Caleb’s Crossing which is about the Wampanoag Indians of Cape Cod. As I read I was reminded of a project Lauren was assigned in 3rd grade. She was to pick an Indian tribe to research and she picked the Wampanoag’s because we have a house in Mashpee; where they currently have a library etc. Well, at the time, it was impossible to get information that a third grader could read and comprehend so I got a book written for adults and every night I would read the story of the Wampanoag’s to the kids. At the time, John was in first grade and he would sit beside me on Lauren’s double bed listening to how the colonists tricked the Indians into giving up their land and how they used the laws of England to their advantage when dealing with the innocent and trusting tribe…I have to admit, it was interesting and very sad for me but the most poignant part of the story was when that little face looked up at me one night and said…”Mommy, I hate us!” He sat there listening for so many nights and got it…he knew that we were descendents of the group of people who moved into this country and just took over…using the land to suit our purpose…without any consideration for the original owners!!! I always loved the words he used…not having the vocabulary yet for anything more complicated…he said it all…simply and perfectly!

And that is my story…wouldn’t it be nice if people in power could use it for good…and not take advantage of a situation? It could be as easy as being patient with someone who was not as “quick” as you are…or a child sticking up for another who is bullied at school! The fact is when we have power we can and should be aware of it and try to use it as it was meant to be….so I thought it would be fun this month to be aware of the moments when we have been given power and try to use it to its best advantage…I think that we may all be surprised how often that we do have some power in life! So, win-win…we realize we do have some power and we use it for the better of all!! I know by my next blog John will be saying …I LOVE US!!!

Full Buck Moon

I am sorry I have been away for a few months …my daughter just had twins and I have been blessed to have the opportunity to help her out…but at my age it is a BIG job and every month I seem to loose track of time until the full moon is long gone. In fact, I might have missed it again had they had not mentioned it on the news .. Apparently it is the buck moon …because this is the month when bucks antlers begin to show…interesting don’t you think?

Now for the blog…my daughter named her son John after her brother but it is the baby girl Ginger, who looks so much like my John, it’s scary!! And she acts like him too…very alert but often fussy…(we used to call him “Cryin’ John Ryan”) … I naturally offer to take her when she is unhappy…I don’t really mind her crying the way I did his…I guess it is because now I know that it will end and she will turn out great.. I don’t have the “I am not a good enough mother thing” hanging over my head anymore.

Lauren paid me a tremendous complement the other day when she told me that when she is home with the twins by herself and they are both carrying on she copies the things she has seen me do with them…I only hope that she understands I was NOT like this when I was the mom…I was a nervous wreck ….and I was constantly wishing they would get a little older thinking that whatever was bugging me at the time would be better when they grew up a little…

Then….as I walked into the yarn shop the other day I overheard another mom complaining about her 23 year old son…he was driving around in an unregistered car even though the mom had told him to get it rectified for weeks!!! She was so frustrated with him…but you could still hear the love in her voice. … and it brought me right back…back to the days that I was that mom…going to the bank to cover John’s overdrafts….putting in an extra $50.00 to give him a cushion and having the teller tell me that wasn’t even going to cover his fees….and calling to yell at him to tell me when he was getting low on funds so we can avoid those crazy fees!!!

Naturally I told her my story…how great he turned out in spite of all his little quirks…I told her that her son would be fine too…and I told her how much I wish I could have him back to yell at…how much I wish I could have my life back…

And then it hit me…we all spend too much time wishing our life away…can’t wait until my baby can sleep all night, or drive himself to baseball practice…on and on…when we should be stopping to think that tomorrow may never come to us…today may be all we have…and today IS great…especially when you are looking back…

So..my message to you this month is to take minute to stop this month and appreciate your life as it is today…and believe it is good, because it probably is good..Certainly better than the alternative!

Super Full Moon

When the super perigee moon hits the sky, like a big pizza pie, that's amore.

Check out the full moon this evening--it could be 14 percent bigger and 30 percent brighter than usual. Why, you ask…well, the moon has an elliptical orbit around the Earth; when the moon seems big, as it will tonight, it's on the “perigee” side and about 31,000 miles closer to Earth than at any other time.

So what makes tonight special? "The full Moon of March 19th occurs less than one hour away from perigee--a near-perfect coincidence that happens only every 18 years or so," says Geoff Chester of the U.S. Naval Observatory in Washington, D.C.

The best time to view the moon will be at about sunset. There's an illusion during a low-hanging moon that makes it seem larger when seen behind trees and buildings. Despite seeming so near, our closest neighbor in space will still be 221,000 miles away!

Naturally when I found out about the big moon today I felt I had to spend the time talking about how John was “bigger than life”…and he was…at least to me. I thought to myself how the heck am I going to write about this theme without it sounding like I am just being his mom? What would be my message here? I went over my notes (I write things down when they come to me for fear I may be stranded someday on the full moon) …but as has been the case in every single month since I began this blog… a thought just came to me…

I told you the story of the girl who went to school with John who dreamt about him the night she found out she was pregnant with her son…how he came to her and told her that her little boy was for her. Well, last month another one of his friends from high school emailed me to tell me of a dream she had of him and how it has helped her deal with her fathers terminal illness…She told me that previous to her dream she had been just so “devastated” by her situation…and after her dream and visit with John she awoke and was calm for the first time in quite a while.

I like to think that John can, and does visit people who he knew (just wish he would come to his own house once in a while). Anything that keeps him alive for me is what I choose to believe…

But then I really started thinking about this particular story and the pattern that was developing … I realized the power he had…and still has … to help people. After all this time… these kids went to high school with John, they have lived for many years and had many experiences since 2004! They have certainly met other people who have no doubt loved and cared for them…yet, they chose (or allowed their subconscious to choose) John to be the person who could give them the peace they needed it…..It is amazing when you really think of it that way.…Big…like the moon, and powerful..

Naturally, I wondered if anyone would ever dream of me when they needed comforting….

Alright….to be honest, I only spent one second on that thought…I knew immediately no one would ever dream of me when they needed comfort! Who am I kidding?? I can barely take care of myself never mind being there for others…but I feel bad about that…and I wonder how do you get there? What qualities do you need that would make someone call on YOU in a dream to help them? I really don’t know, but John apparently did, and that is really something special.

So tonight, be sure to spend a minute looking at that great big moon and try to think of just one thing you can do to get to be the person people dream of when they are in need…because in the world we live today…that is a Big and Powerful gift to give to each other.

Februrary 2011

This month I found interesting new names for the February Full Moon...Apparently various American Indian tribes had different names as did the Colonialists themselves! Clearly they had winters like the one we have had this year...

Colonial moon - trappers moon
Cherokee Indians - bony moon
Choctaw Indians - famine moon
Dakota Sioux - moon when trees pop

We would have fit right in with the Sioux this year because during the first storm in December a big tree fell on John's Jeep and totaled it..Oddly, it was one of the tress that his tree house was built on! It took my husband a whole month to let it go..it actually sat in the garage for all the other storms so it wouldn't get snow in it (the tree feel right where the roof meets the windshield) I don't know what was harder..to see it every day with the smashed in windshield or to not see it in the driveway when I come home from work! Just another little piece of him that is gone..I am so glad that he lives on through all his many, many incredible friends! I hang on to that and every time I hear from one of you I am so thankful I could cry!

This leads me to this months blog..I happened to be watching TV just before Valentines Day and saw the add for Hallmark that advertised "I love us" and I thought about something Lauren constantly says about her life with John...and it was just that ...she has said time and time again..."I loved us"..and she says it in a way that makes me think that she can't believe that it was taken away from her..like she always knew that what they had was special...she appreciated it and didn't need it to be gone to realize it...she just knew...always

Lauren and her husband are expecting twins in May and the first thing she said to me when she found out that they are having a boy and a girl was "Mom, I think that John is telling me that he liked us too" I know she misses him every day just as I do..he would have been such a funny uncle!!! Sometimes I think maybe a little too "funny"...(anyone who had him for a camp counselor or babysitter will surely agree and probably share...something I am almost afraid to hear about!!)

But that is just what was so special about him..he always gave you a memory..good or bad (funny that now I even think he was kinda funny when he was bad..I think I realize he was just being a kid..and when I think of the adult he became I know that the little mistakes he made along the way were the moments we would all laugh about later in life .. and how wonderful it is to have them ..and how badly I wish he were here to laugh along with us ..to hear his perspective on those things..to listen to him tell the stories from his interesting perspective and Lauren from hers...telling me what a crazy mother I was or reminding me when I overacted to something...etc..etc. I am SURE they would be able to go on and on....

I know that is what Lauren misses the most ..having the other piece of her childhood...the one who could fill in the names or places or dates ..who lived her life with her..and that is what I wish for you this month..I hope you can take a second to say " I love us" as you think of your family and friends..reflect on how lucky you are to have each other..it is a very precious and fragile gift that has been given to you and can be just as quickly taken away...and maybe take a moment to tell those you love just that...

Happy Snow Moon

Only a few Indian tribes called the January full moon the Snow Moon ...most used it in February... but I think that if they had a January like this one...Snow Moon would have been used!
I am going to tell you a funny story about John and snow...
He was the WORST worker around the house...I couldn't get him to do things and once he was finally helping out he would find countless ways to get out of it...bathroom breaks went on forever..etc... he was so frustrating and I felt so bad for his sister who was the opposite..never had to ask her to help and she would stick it out til the job was finished, never even complaining that he was slacker. Well, to get around it on snow days I would tell them that one had to shovel the back walk and the other one shoveled the front, and first out could pick.... I figured it would reward the hard worker and hopefully motivate the other...
didn't work....
he didn't give a fig and therefore was always stuck with the worst job...but he just took the hit (but still needed lots of prompts to get going) The only part of this plan that worked was that I think Lauren may have felt rewarded for a change...but John just didn't care...he was attention was always somewhere else...and..in retrospect...probably on more important things in life.
Which leads me to the message of the month...try to look past the pieces of your life that you currently think are SO important and look at the big picture of what is really and truly worthwhile.
Good luck with this..it is hard...I don't know how he did it...I sometimes this he came into this life knowing it... because he never spoke of it...he just moved through life doing it...and I wish I realized it when I could have talked to him about it...now I just have to hope I am doing it right...
one thing I do know is he was happier than most of us...and content...and I think that if we spend a little time every day thinking of what is really important to us and focusing on it we may find we are too..
good luck and try to enjoy the snow or at least laugh when you think of him shoveling!

Sorry for the delay, computer problems!

I have thought about this post on and off forever, knowing I would have to address this someday but dreading the day I actually had to write it because it brings back so much sadness. ..But this month I have had experiences that brought the topic to my mind and I said to John; " If you don't give my something else to write about this is the month I am telling your story!"...well I had my answer when at school this week I saw a kid wearing a T- Shirt with the exact phrase I was going to use for my blog this month. Do Your Job is something I have never seen on a shirt worn by a teenager before so I did a double take, and figured I had my sign...

The death of your child is one of the few things that every parent can relate to..you don't have to live it to understand..so you won't find it hard to believe that we were living in a fog the weekend he went missing... just concentrating on the next breath rather than the horror our life was becoming...but even in the fog I was aware that things were not quite right, I just couldn't muster the energy to do anything beyond asking questions.

The first inkling I had that people weren't doing their job was when they found John's body and they told us that the area was going to be treated like a crime scene, so we might not want to go there. I asked if the house where he was staying was also a crime scene and the police told me that it was not because the kids came from good families...I did think to myself, gee, I think we are a good family, but didn't say anything because I figured I couldn't prove we were nice so why would he believe me?

We also couldn't prove that John hated the ocean to anyone who didn't know him. It was only hearsay and I was afraid we would look like we were trying to make excuses for him. When the State Police tried to tell us that their "marine officer" thought John may have tripped as he walked along the waters edge, got water splashed in his face, seen the lights across the harbor and walked towards them, which made him go deeper into the ocean. Thank God my husband is stronger than I am, he did loose it with that one...I mean ...really....did they think we were complete idiots? John only had 4 beers that night (and believe me, they checked for everything), the water was about 50 degrees, and although he was a great swimmer, he had a fear of sharks and never got his head wet in the ocean during the daytime, so ....really? They wanted us to believe that a kid who graduated Magna Cum Laude from Newhouse School of Communication at Syracuse wouldn't just turn around and look where the shore was as the 50 water got higher and higher on his legs?

I trusted that people were doing their job even though my cousin, who was the funeral director, commented on John's two black eyes and the line across his forehead, and suggested that maybe we should do our own autopsy. My husband asked the state police if they felt they had enough information and trusted them when they said they did...but later tried to explain away those marks by saying that they were made from brushing against the ocean floor...again...really?

As I said, I have always resisted recounting this story in my blog because it is so very painful for us. I feel that I have let John down, I know that people who read about his death think he was probably just another drug using drummer, and that is so unfair to him...but only people who were lucky enough to know him realize (and were pushing us from the start) someone wasn't doing their job.

Now, I can't change my life, I can only go on and do the best I can, maybe my blog is my effort to correct the injustice done to John ....but the fact remains that there are people who don't do their jobs, and sometimes it is devastating to others...So that is my message this month...a new year will soon be upon us and may be a good time to assess yourself...are you doing a good job.??....are you even doing your job at all???.....as a parent.....a friend...an employee.....if not....maybe you have your New Years Resolution!

November 2010 Full Beaver Moon

Happy Full Beaver Moon! Happy Thanksgiving!
This was the time to set the beaver traps before the swamps froze, to ensure a supply of warm winter furs. Another interpretation suggests that the name Full Beaver Moon comes from the fact that the beavers are now actively preparing for winter
As you know, John’s birthday is also in November and to honor him this month I have tried to do little acts of kindness whenever I can. The other day I was going into Dunkin Donuts and held the door for a man who was coming in right behind me and as he went in he turned to me, looked me right in the eye and thanked me…so I smiled and told him he was certainly welcome! As we stood in the line waiting for our order he turned to me and said, “no one ever does anything courteous anymore!”
That got me thinking about how John … I know he would like that I did that, he would be proud of me. (Funny that now the parent is worried if the child is proud of her? ) I thought that he would like it if I made a habit of it...and then I thought...wow, he would really like it if everyone just took a minute to do those little things once in a while?
I wish I could count the number of people who have told me that he always spoke to them when he saw them around town. They always sounded surprised…isn’t’ it a shame that he was an abnormality in that regard? Shouldn’t we all be trying to make an effort to surprise someone with a simple act of kindness like that???? It is a sad commentary on the world today if those little acts died with John…
So, today, I am suggesting that you just be thankful that you have the ability to make someone smile…I know you will be surprised at the reception you get! And a great big “Thank you “ for reading my blog…