Full Snow Moon

Since the heaviest snow usually falls during this month, native tribes of the north and east most often called February's full Moon the Full Snow Moon. Some tribes also referred to this Moon as the Full Hunger Moon, since harsh weather conditions in their areas made hunting very difficult.

I am letting my daughter Lauren have a go at this blog today...one of her good friends lost her brother this month and it brought everything back to her...I think that she has such good ideas to share...so here is her email to all her friends ..(with minor changes to protect those who are grieving)

I think that maybe this would help people who are depressed, to know that this heartache goes on and on for those who are left...and I wish that whoever hurt John could read this and know that we will be sad forever...Maybe if enough people read this BEFORE the actions they take change others lives they may think...and make a different choice.

Hi guys…. I obviously have not stopped thinking about this tragedy today. I wish more than anything there were no new members of my particular club, you wouldn’t wish this pain on your worst enemy, let alone one of your closest friends; and I’m pretty pissed that it has, (God may actually not want to let me in someday because my “Beef List” with him is getting pretty long).

When my brother died I first thought… how does this happen; we were a good family, I didn’t need to lose him to know how lucky I was, I always knew it. But you lose them anyway,,, then I thought ,well, ok, at least I’ve taken the “tragedy” statistic off the table… & I thought for sure I had at secured my friend's, my friend's families, the rest of my family at least, a little peace from loosing anyone else until we were nice and old… but then someone close to you loses someone they love, and another, and you realize just because you know exactly where the “death and dying” books are in Borders doesn’t mean your friends never will…

With that said I’ve been sitting here thinking what the hell is the point, we get it, we know how short life is, we know to cherish one another, our families… to live in the moment & be sooo incredibly thankful for those people who surround us; to say I love you & to say it again & again & again… you really can’t say it enough!

As I sit here consumed of these thoughts it occurred to me that maybe we experience these events & suffer sadness not so that you take the statistic off the table but so that you are better able to help your friends put their lives back together… so I thought I could share some things I have found that made it suck a little bit less and may actually help.

When I spoke with (my friend) this morning something she said really struck home for me… “ I get it now, what you’ve been saying, I get it; I’m alone”. It made me want to throw up actually and I figure if I just kept this to myself there really was no sense in experiencing it at all….so I thought I’d just share a few things about losing your brother and only sibling & maybe it may help any friends you may know in the future… I LOVE YOU all very much, you’re all beautiful woman & I’m extremely lucky to know you!

Things that make you feel a little less Shitty; when things are pretty f-ing Shitty….
Cards & Letters: -
BAD-I beg you no “Memory Quotes” Seriously though, these are THE WORST for a “sibling loss”…there should be a disclaimer on the back of these hallmark babies! (Ex. “at least you have the memories”, “find comfort in the memories” etc). when you’ve lost your sibling & only sibling at that… it just reminds you that your “lifetime backup memory” is gone; you know the one who can help retell the story of the worst Christmas gift you got & who gave it to you, who can remind you of the name of that kid you hated in 2nd grade…where you used to hide your blanket, (you get the idea)… when you lose your sibling you’re now responsible for EVERY minor memory you thought wasn’t important to retain because you virtually had a “second memory”. NOT to mention the enormous pressure of knowing you’re going to be the only one now making the plans for your parents future “Would mom have liked this nursing home? She hates purple” - these kind of questions occur to you over time & it gets REALLY LONELY!
-
GOOD -“F - This SUCKS”… THIS should be a hallmark card! Put this in a blank card & call it a day! Frankly there are no words when you lose anyone, especially your sibling. This is the person who you’re supposed to know the longest! It’s pretty difficult to wrap your head around the fact that at some point you will have a husband, friends & even children who you will have known longer than your own brother or sister, it kind of still makes me sick to my stomach! WTF right? So my advice … “F- This sucks” in a card will pretty much cover it. I really liked hearing this, it was refreshing & honest & it really summed up how I felt! – to each his own I suppose, but really… has a lovey dovey sympathy card ever made you “Feel good”? Get serious!
GOOD - Sending Food / Other items: -For the Friends of the Family: Send anything… even paper goods… there are a lot of people coming in and out of the house you’d be surprised how you need things like toilet paper, paper towels & hello, TISSUES!! -no one’s eating, but fruit baskets as lame as they sound… AWESOME! It was the only thing I could keep down & the juice felt really good on my throat which was pretty sore from crying… Also, fruit hydrates which is really good when you literally run out of tears- I know right, who knew it really happens!
To Say & Not to Say at a Wake / Memorial Service of a Kid (doesn’t matter how old… keep in mind if their parents are still alive, this is someone’s baby): -
BAD: Anything that reiterates “You’re alone” - “It’s just you now, you’ve got to be strong for your parents”… it’s seems obvious; but you’d be surprised the amount of people who say this! -Equally Bad: “He’d want you to be happy” – ok… well good luck with that then because I’m miserable… & who are you to tell me what he wants? -
Also Bad: “I’m sorry for your loss “ , I know this is a standard and if you like it, stick with it… but being on the other end, you really not feeling to “grateful” for your current situation & really don’t want to be “thanking” anyone. Don’t get me wrong, of course you will, we all do… it’s habit, but if you’ve got other options, give ‘em a whirl…
Pretty Bad: “How are you?” “How are you holding up” … Holy Cow; this should be a no-no at any wake or memorial service or for anyone who’s lost someone… how do you possible answer this? What sad person wants to say “Ok” … shocker, they’re not… OR what if they’re honest and say “Shitty” (Good for them by the way! ) … but seriously, that’s just awkward. Go with something someone can actually answer & feel good about themselves answering… such as…- GOOD: “On a scale of Terrible, how are you?”; “Pretty”, “Well that sounds about right, we Love you so much” (Insert Big Hug here) Come on who doesn’t like an I love you & a big hug.
Really Good: Share a memory ( is in fact different than reminding the person of their memories ) or a story…Any memory or story, good or bad. It doesn’t even have to be your memory… It could be a story you remember hearing. It could be so simple like “ He had the best laugh”.-
Excellent: Tell the story / memory you have and write it down in a card or letter! The person you’re telling probably isn’t in a position to remember the story long term. They’ll love hearing it but will most definitely want to read it & reread it & reread it… and then read it again to their kids someday (I’ve got quite the collection of “Kiddos , meet your Uncle” stories)!
After & Way After: -
GOOD: I read A LOT of “death and dying” books (this we know) and while a lot of you may not have “believed” in life after death or mediums you listened, you asked questions & you never led on that you might think it was totally whacked (thanks!). The most helpful was that you let me do was talk & talk & talk & talk …and when I thought I had talked enough… you asked more questions (troopers you were! ). Now I realize that I’m stating something you guys already do but does it hurt to know, “YAY You?!” I didn’t think so…- way after: I think this applies to anyone who’s lost anyone, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to reiterate… after the initial shock, the services etc… everyone goes home & you’re supposed to get back to “your life” (whatever the hell that is) … it gets VERY VERY quiet…. A random email, or text message, a phone call…just to say I’m thinking about you goes A LONG WAY! Or a hey “I saw this today & it made me think of you “ I still get those & you’d be surprise you usually get them on the days you most need it… they days when the one your missing is REALLY on your mind… so if someone randomly crosses your mind… let them know, they might need a little pick me up! One of the best I ever got was MONTHS after my brother’s service and it said “ I’m having a really bad day today thinking about John, but it’s ok because if it means that I’ve taken one ounce of what you’re going through for a day it’s worth it. “-
Just be around: People say that when a loved one dies it creates a hole…true; but not entirely, it’s a series of little holes. You might not think that you can help, you might not think you have something to contribute, you’d be surprised what hole you can fill. It might have been days, months, even years since you last spoke to someone, but when you lose someone you love like a sibling and especially your only sibling… you are alone; alone with your thoughts, with your grief, with your memories. Suddenly trying to remember who your neighbor was when you were little or what that snack was that they served in kindergarten becomes SOO important & that person you would ask those quick questions to isn’t here anymore. That person who would send a quick text message back answering your silly questions without having to get into a “how have you been, it’s been so long”… & so, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve spoken, no matter what your last encounter was… you can be that quick text message, you can remember that punch line of a joke, just be around and available to be whatever you’re needed to be… Of course ( & come on I know) you’ll never be complete, or replace the love but when enough people start filling all the holes that are left in your life; that’s when it starts to get a little bit better… So, for Alison or others you know who may be suffering, just be around. Think about if you lost your brother or sister, what’s a really small thing in your routine you would miss? Are they a great hugger? You can do that! Do they sing happy birthday on a voicemail instead of just wishing it? Yup, another thing you can do… We all have these routines; I’m pretty sure whatever yours is it doesn’t have anything to do with being related…and I’m pretty sure you could do it for someone / anyone you loved & I’m positive there’s someone out there missing it now!
I hope that if anything I’ve just shared has somehow helped or will help a friend of yours someday or that the sadness I’ve incurred has made me a better friend, then I can say it’s been worth it. Thank you for letting me pay it forward.

Full Wolf Moon

I am so lucky to have people who are always looking out for me…and today I got a great piece of information from my husband’s nephew’s wife (thanks Beckie !) about the full moon tonight.

Tonight's full moon will be the biggest and brightest full moon of the year. It offers anyone with clear skies an opportunity to identify easy-to-see features on the moon. This being the first full moon of 2010, it is also known as the wolf moon, a moniker dating back to Native American culture and the notion that hungry wolves howled at the full moon on cold winter nights.

The idea of tonight’s moon being the brightest of the year made me think of John…he was such a bright light in the life of everyone who took the time to know him. I hear from his friends all the time that they think back to how funny was, or how talented, or what a good listener he was..etc…etc..etc..

I know I talk all the time about trying to be like John. To really listen to others, to take the time to “be in the moment” but today I want to take a minute to remind people to also share something of themselves with others…thereby helping others in a completely different way.

Everyone who knows me for even a day know I talk about John…I tell stories about how terrible his teachers in high school were to him and how he overcame it when he met some wonderful , “real” teachers at Syracuse. Ones who knew enough to look beyond the surface and see how smart he was, what a fabulous and persuasive writer he could be…and took the time to tell him so. And guess what..he graduated Magna Cum Laude from Newhouse School of Communication..quite a feat for a kid who couldn’t even get his high school teachers to induct him into the National Honor Society. (he was too unorganized) Even though he was the President of his class and constantly asked by those very teachers to help out with all their events… I use this example when I teach my graduate classes or the professional development I do in the hope that John’s story may help teachers become child centered. And I teach at Lesley University and work for Teachers 21…so I tell his story often…

But it is what happened last week during a workshop that has made me think all week…that I never knew I would be helping others when I tell that he died! I always tell teachers at my workshops my story, because I think it is important for them to know my credentials, and I always have to tell about John..it was a major factor in the choice of the job I have now. Well, after the workshop was over a young girl came up to me as they often do…but this time it wasn’t to ask questions about the presentation, it was to tell me that her husband had just died and she thought she could talk to me…and talk we did…about how we feel, how hard it is…and all I could think of the whole way home was how much like Mary and Lauren she was…but at least my girls had each other..this poor thing was alone…I thought about how many nights they sat on our porch drinking wine, smoking cigarettes (they have quit, thank God) and talking about what a mess their life had become. Now, Lauren has Tom and Mary has a career but this poor kid is alone…no one to talk to while she surely is doing exactly what my girls did…and I worried how is she going to move on? She really, truly, needs some “peeps”.

The really strange piece of this story is that the last course I taught had a woman in it that I had met at the only meeting of Compassionate Friends I ever attended. She lost both her daughters and not only did I connect with her at the meeting…we spent every break during the course talking about our situation..sharing strategies and feelings that only someone who has gone through this loss would understand…it was so nice to be able to say something that wouldn’t be perceived as weird ! So I had someone…and again…that poor kid is alone…sometimes John really has to hit me over the head with an idea!!

Anyway, my message to know how sharing a piece of yourself will help others. Will give them the courage to come to you to talk…to feel they are not alone…it is such a powerful gift to give to people…and something you would not be able to know about unless you take the first step and be honest and open. Good luck and I hope that you get to experience all the wonderful, kind, and generous people I have in the process!everyone this month is: Don’t be afraid to share yourself with others…you just never

Full Blue Moon

Happy Blue Moon! Happy New Year!! The blue moon is the second full moon of the month and my daughter and her new husband picked that day to be married because they found the love that only comes once in a blue moon so couldn't resist the date (also, of course, as a nod to John)

I am so sorry that this post is so late...I did think I could squeeze it in on the 31st but that just didn't happen. I now realize there was a reason for that...my inspiration for the post didn't really come to me until about 9 PM...when I heard the song that my daughter and her new husband chose for their first song as husband and wife! I only cried twice that night..once when I heard John's beloved Mary sing the Ave Maria in church (not only was her voice beyond anything you have ever heard I knew that if he were here with us he would have been the one to play a song written especially for his sister, just as he did for his "adopted" sister Katie, when she was married in the same church. I was happy that Mary could stand in for him...

Then we got to the reception and Lauren and Tom began their first dance...I was expecting the song about loving you more than ice cream (Tom's family owns a driving range and an ice cream stand) but I was hearing one of my favorite songs that John wrote! And then I looked at the band and noticed that all of John's friends from Syracuse and Hamilton went behind the instruments and singing!! All of John's life Lauren and I got to listen to his first takes ... and every time he would ask us to listen she would ask him...is this the one about me?? Well, little did we know that the song he wrote about another would also be for her!! The song's title was "love is a sweet surprise" and it is so beautiful...I have been searching for the lyrics today but can't find them...guess he doesn't want to share just yet. It is a lovely piece about a boy who "never was, and never will be a guy who gets girls with lines" and that is just what her Tom is...so much like John...funny, smart, sensitive and genuine. They are so much in love...something she thought would never happen to her...a sweet surprise.

so, my thoughts for this new year are to never, ever, give up hope...and trust that there is someone always looking after you. It is a very difficult thing to do...believe me....but I know that it is true...John gave us a beautiful boy who loves our daughter, a wonderful family for her to belong to, and a unforgettable night with all our friends by our side to celebrate with...
I know that life has more difficulties ahead for me...but I am going to hold on to wonderful moments that are given and think of them as just what they are...gifts...to keep you going when you are down and out...that is my wish for you...not just once in a blue moon...but every moon.
Happy New Year!

Full Cold Moon

Full Cold Moon. December is usually considered the month that the winter cold begins to fasten its grip. (Certainly true in Boston this year, it has been a very mild fall but today it was below freezing when I left for work!!)

Naturally I have been thinking of the holidays lately and with it missing John...still.

I have tried to snap myself out of the constant state of sadness by focusing on the fact that he was truly a gift given to me. A source of amusement (most of the time) to me his entire life. In fact once, when he was little, I was complaining about his behavior to my husband and the reply was "well, if you didn't always laugh at him he might behave better" (true, I did always think he was funny...even when he was a terror)

After John died I have spent my time focused on the sadness within my family but recently I have realized that he is so missed by many, many more people than I could ever imagine. The wonderful and talented man, (Scott Norton) who produced the first EP that John's band did offered to take all the recordings off his recorder for us...it was such a thoughtful gesture by an incredible guy who I would trust with John's work above all others. Well, we met him one night this fall when he came to Boston with a band he was working for and he told me how hard it was for him to do this work...to listen to John's voice, his songs, his little snippets of conversations to himself as he recorded. I have been thinking of it since that night and feel so much more gratitude towards him...if that was possible...I just never realized how hard that would be for a guy as sensitive as he is...and there is really nothing I could ever do to repay him for that...

Then, a few weeks ago, out of the blue we got an email from another friend of John's named Geneva, who was on Craig's list and saw instruments for free...so she let us know about it so we can get them for our little foundation! It is incredible to me to think that anyone outside our circle would still think of him...and try to help.

This just blows me away...and makes me realize that not only did I get him for a gift ... he was the gift that keeps on giving because so many people who he knew are still there for him (and by default..us) How lucky are we????

So, my thought this month is that if we try very, very, hard...we can find the good in anything. Believe me, I still feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest every day but I am trying...and I hope that someday I will trade the elephant for something a little smaller.

I do know this.... I am so grateful for the gifts I have been given in life, even if they were only given to me for a short time...they have all been worth it and I am glad that I knew it even when I had them...so take a moment to appreciate what you have been given...it may not be there tomorrow.

So..Thank you Scott and Geneva, you made realize how much I owe to so many like you who are always there...I do so appreciate each and every one of you and pray that you will be acknowledged by others too...for certainly your kindness is not limited to me.

Full Hunters Moon

Happy Hunters Moon…Did you know that the names given to the full moon each month date back to Native Americans who lived in what is now the northeastern United States?
The tribes kept track of the seasons by giving distinctive names to each recurring full Moon. Each moon name was applied to the entire month in which it occurred. Though there was some variation among the moon names used by various tribes, in general, the same ones were used by the Algonquin tribes whose territory stretched from New England to Lake Superior. When the European settlers arrived, they adopted the custom, and also created some of their own names. Since a lunar month is only 29 days long, on the average, the full Moon dates shift from year to year.
November's traditional full moon name is the Full Hunter's Moon because the Harvest Moon came late (October rather than September), so when this happens, November's moon becomes the hunter's moon. (It is usually the beaver moon because traps are set at this time of year)

I find this so interesting and for some of you it may be the only thing that you will like from my monthly ramblings!

And speaking of which… I drove to school today and tried and tried to get a feeling for what I was going to write tonight…I had several ideas but nothing hit me and I was worried that for the first time I would sit at the computer and nothing would be there!!! I like to think that John inspires me..it makes my life easier to pretend he is still with me…so I was thinking today .. “Geeze, John, what the heck??? Don’t you know I still need you???

Well, I get to school and have a meeting with some parents I don’t know and the Mom starts talking about how her son from a first marriage is in jail and her daughter (who was the student we were talking about) misses him so much and doesn’t understand why he takes drugs and gets himself into trouble! We talked about the fact it is a sickness and people don’t always understand that…yada yada yada.. When the meeting was over she came over to me and thanked me! She said most people don’t understand (including her husband) but she said …he is still my son!! I told her never to be ashamed to be his mom…and told her “at least he is still here, and as long as you have him there is always hope!” I told her things could always be worse…she could be me! (and of course, told her about John) I think it did make her feel better…and I like it when his death could at least be used for some good…he would like it too..of that I am certain.( I found out later that the mother and father are in a rock and roll band…so I guess John was telling me not to worry, he is still here for me!)

It is John’s birthday this month and I have to say I am no closer to healing than I was when he died…I miss him more if that is possible…I am slowly beginning to realize that I am just never, ever, going to be really, truly, happy again…and it is a lot of work to get up every day and pretend otherwise. But that is my job now..and believe me … it is a job!
So, for his birthday…I would like to ask you to try to think of everyone you meet as having a story…and be understanding…because you never know what others are carting around for baggage…be thankful for what you have…it could ALWAYS be worse!!

John's Paver

The Alumni at Syracuse have donated a paver in John's name. Check it out if you visit the Orange Grove. He would be humbled by this kind and thoughtful gesture.

October 4, 2009 Harvest Moon

Full Harvest Moon. Traditionally, this designation goes to the full moon that occurs closest to the Autumnal (fall) Equinox. The Harvest Moon usually comes in September, but sometimes it will fall in early October as is the case in 2009; the next time won't come until 2017. At the peak of the harvest, farmers can work into the night by the light of this moon. Usually a full moon rises an average of 50 minutes later each night, but for the few nights around the Harvest Moon, the moon seems to rise at nearly the same time each night: just 25 to 30 minutes later across the U.S., and only 10 to 20 minutes later for much of Canada and Europe. Corn, pumpkins, squash, beans, and wild rice -- the chief Indian staples -- are now ready for gathering. Interesting, isn't it?

Well, every month I worry about what I am going to write about but this month it came to me several weeks ago and I haven't had anything else pop into my head that I think is better so here it is..
I was driving home from school one day and someones trash barrel had blown into the street. I thought about pulling over and getting it but I didn't ... I just kept driving and by the time I got home I was feeling so guilty I couldn't believe it!! I just kept thinking it wouldn't have killed me to get out and save that barrel ... and my feet weren't even killing me that day..so I had no excuse! Of course I knew John was disappointed...I will never forget the time that Lauren and John were driving home from school and saw an old lady dragging her barrel down a long driveway to her house. Lauren felt bad for her and mentioned they should help so she stopped the car and John got out..well, when he went to the woman she was frightened at first and then his soft charm took over and she let him take the barrel for her. I loved that story then and I love it still...the mental picture I have of the whole scene makes me smile....the world was a better place when he was in it.
so, I feel like a real stinker for just not taking a minute to help a stranger...and have felt guilty about it for a few weeks now...and the lesson I have learned from it is that it is so much better to carry a feeling with you when you have been kind to someone than when you missed a chance and have to live with the regret...you never know when you will run out of chances to do good...take them when you can and enjoy the happy, content feeling they will give you in return!