Happy Blue Moon! Happy New Year!! The blue moon is the second full moon of the month and my daughter and her new husband picked that day to be married because they found the love that only comes once in a blue moon so couldn't resist the date (also, of course, as a nod to John)
I am so sorry that this post is so late...I did think I could squeeze it in on the 31st but that just didn't happen. I now realize there was a reason for that...my inspiration for the post didn't really come to me until about 9 PM...when I heard the song that my daughter and her new husband chose for their first song as husband and wife! I only cried twice that night..once when I heard John's beloved Mary sing the Ave Maria in church (not only was her voice beyond anything you have ever heard I knew that if he were here with us he would have been the one to play a song written especially for his sister, just as he did for his "adopted" sister Katie, when she was married in the same church. I was happy that Mary could stand in for him...
Then we got to the reception and Lauren and Tom began their first dance...I was expecting the song about loving you more than ice cream (Tom's family owns a driving range and an ice cream stand) but I was hearing one of my favorite songs that John wrote! And then I looked at the band and noticed that all of John's friends from Syracuse and Hamilton went behind the instruments and singing!! All of John's life Lauren and I got to listen to his first takes ... and every time he would ask us to listen she would ask him...is this the one about me?? Well, little did we know that the song he wrote about another would also be for her!! The song's title was "love is a sweet surprise" and it is so beautiful...I have been searching for the lyrics today but can't find them...guess he doesn't want to share just yet. It is a lovely piece about a boy who "never was, and never will be a guy who gets girls with lines" and that is just what her Tom is...so much like John...funny, smart, sensitive and genuine. They are so much in love...something she thought would never happen to her...a sweet surprise.
so, my thoughts for this new year are to never, ever, give up hope...and trust that there is someone always looking after you. It is a very difficult thing to do...believe me....but I know that it is true...John gave us a beautiful boy who loves our daughter, a wonderful family for her to belong to, and a unforgettable night with all our friends by our side to celebrate with...
I know that life has more difficulties ahead for me...but I am going to hold on to wonderful moments that are given and think of them as just what they are...gifts...to keep you going when you are down and out...that is my wish for you...not just once in a blue moon...but every moon.
Happy New Year!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Full Cold Moon
Full Cold Moon. December is usually considered the month that the winter cold begins to fasten its grip. (Certainly true in Boston this year, it has been a very mild fall but today it was below freezing when I left for work!!)
Naturally I have been thinking of the holidays lately and with it missing John...still.
I have tried to snap myself out of the constant state of sadness by focusing on the fact that he was truly a gift given to me. A source of amusement (most of the time) to me his entire life. In fact once, when he was little, I was complaining about his behavior to my husband and the reply was "well, if you didn't always laugh at him he might behave better" (true, I did always think he was funny...even when he was a terror)
After John died I have spent my time focused on the sadness within my family but recently I have realized that he is so missed by many, many more people than I could ever imagine. The wonderful and talented man, (Scott Norton) who produced the first EP that John's band did offered to take all the recordings off his recorder for us...it was such a thoughtful gesture by an incredible guy who I would trust with John's work above all others. Well, we met him one night this fall when he came to Boston with a band he was working for and he told me how hard it was for him to do this work...to listen to John's voice, his songs, his little snippets of conversations to himself as he recorded. I have been thinking of it since that night and feel so much more gratitude towards him...if that was possible...I just never realized how hard that would be for a guy as sensitive as he is...and there is really nothing I could ever do to repay him for that...
Then, a few weeks ago, out of the blue we got an email from another friend of John's named Geneva, who was on Craig's list and saw instruments for free...so she let us know about it so we can get them for our little foundation! It is incredible to me to think that anyone outside our circle would still think of him...and try to help.
This just blows me away...and makes me realize that not only did I get him for a gift ... he was the gift that keeps on giving because so many people who he knew are still there for him (and by default..us) How lucky are we????
So, my thought this month is that if we try very, very, hard...we can find the good in anything. Believe me, I still feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest every day but I am trying...and I hope that someday I will trade the elephant for something a little smaller.
I do know this.... I am so grateful for the gifts I have been given in life, even if they were only given to me for a short time...they have all been worth it and I am glad that I knew it even when I had them...so take a moment to appreciate what you have been given...it may not be there tomorrow.
So..Thank you Scott and Geneva, you made realize how much I owe to so many like you who are always there...I do so appreciate each and every one of you and pray that you will be acknowledged by others too...for certainly your kindness is not limited to me.
Naturally I have been thinking of the holidays lately and with it missing John...still.
I have tried to snap myself out of the constant state of sadness by focusing on the fact that he was truly a gift given to me. A source of amusement (most of the time) to me his entire life. In fact once, when he was little, I was complaining about his behavior to my husband and the reply was "well, if you didn't always laugh at him he might behave better" (true, I did always think he was funny...even when he was a terror)
After John died I have spent my time focused on the sadness within my family but recently I have realized that he is so missed by many, many more people than I could ever imagine. The wonderful and talented man, (Scott Norton) who produced the first EP that John's band did offered to take all the recordings off his recorder for us...it was such a thoughtful gesture by an incredible guy who I would trust with John's work above all others. Well, we met him one night this fall when he came to Boston with a band he was working for and he told me how hard it was for him to do this work...to listen to John's voice, his songs, his little snippets of conversations to himself as he recorded. I have been thinking of it since that night and feel so much more gratitude towards him...if that was possible...I just never realized how hard that would be for a guy as sensitive as he is...and there is really nothing I could ever do to repay him for that...
Then, a few weeks ago, out of the blue we got an email from another friend of John's named Geneva, who was on Craig's list and saw instruments for free...so she let us know about it so we can get them for our little foundation! It is incredible to me to think that anyone outside our circle would still think of him...and try to help.
This just blows me away...and makes me realize that not only did I get him for a gift ... he was the gift that keeps on giving because so many people who he knew are still there for him (and by default..us) How lucky are we????
So, my thought this month is that if we try very, very, hard...we can find the good in anything. Believe me, I still feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest every day but I am trying...and I hope that someday I will trade the elephant for something a little smaller.
I do know this.... I am so grateful for the gifts I have been given in life, even if they were only given to me for a short time...they have all been worth it and I am glad that I knew it even when I had them...so take a moment to appreciate what you have been given...it may not be there tomorrow.
So..Thank you Scott and Geneva, you made realize how much I owe to so many like you who are always there...I do so appreciate each and every one of you and pray that you will be acknowledged by others too...for certainly your kindness is not limited to me.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Full Hunters Moon
Happy Hunters Moon…Did you know that the names given to the full moon each month date back to Native Americans who lived in what is now the northeastern United States?
The tribes kept track of the seasons by giving distinctive names to each recurring full Moon. Each moon name was applied to the entire month in which it occurred. Though there was some variation among the moon names used by various tribes, in general, the same ones were used by the Algonquin tribes whose territory stretched from New England to Lake Superior. When the European settlers arrived, they adopted the custom, and also created some of their own names. Since a lunar month is only 29 days long, on the average, the full Moon dates shift from year to year.
November's traditional full moon name is the Full Hunter's Moon because the Harvest Moon came late (October rather than September), so when this happens, November's moon becomes the hunter's moon. (It is usually the beaver moon because traps are set at this time of year)
I find this so interesting and for some of you it may be the only thing that you will like from my monthly ramblings!
And speaking of which… I drove to school today and tried and tried to get a feeling for what I was going to write tonight…I had several ideas but nothing hit me and I was worried that for the first time I would sit at the computer and nothing would be there!!! I like to think that John inspires me..it makes my life easier to pretend he is still with me…so I was thinking today .. “Geeze, John, what the heck??? Don’t you know I still need you???
Well, I get to school and have a meeting with some parents I don’t know and the Mom starts talking about how her son from a first marriage is in jail and her daughter (who was the student we were talking about) misses him so much and doesn’t understand why he takes drugs and gets himself into trouble! We talked about the fact it is a sickness and people don’t always understand that…yada yada yada.. When the meeting was over she came over to me and thanked me! She said most people don’t understand (including her husband) but she said …he is still my son!! I told her never to be ashamed to be his mom…and told her “at least he is still here, and as long as you have him there is always hope!” I told her things could always be worse…she could be me! (and of course, told her about John) I think it did make her feel better…and I like it when his death could at least be used for some good…he would like it too..of that I am certain.( I found out later that the mother and father are in a rock and roll band…so I guess John was telling me not to worry, he is still here for me!)
It is John’s birthday this month and I have to say I am no closer to healing than I was when he died…I miss him more if that is possible…I am slowly beginning to realize that I am just never, ever, going to be really, truly, happy again…and it is a lot of work to get up every day and pretend otherwise. But that is my job now..and believe me … it is a job!
So, for his birthday…I would like to ask you to try to think of everyone you meet as having a story…and be understanding…because you never know what others are carting around for baggage…be thankful for what you have…it could ALWAYS be worse!!
The tribes kept track of the seasons by giving distinctive names to each recurring full Moon. Each moon name was applied to the entire month in which it occurred. Though there was some variation among the moon names used by various tribes, in general, the same ones were used by the Algonquin tribes whose territory stretched from New England to Lake Superior. When the European settlers arrived, they adopted the custom, and also created some of their own names. Since a lunar month is only 29 days long, on the average, the full Moon dates shift from year to year.
November's traditional full moon name is the Full Hunter's Moon because the Harvest Moon came late (October rather than September), so when this happens, November's moon becomes the hunter's moon. (It is usually the beaver moon because traps are set at this time of year)
I find this so interesting and for some of you it may be the only thing that you will like from my monthly ramblings!
And speaking of which… I drove to school today and tried and tried to get a feeling for what I was going to write tonight…I had several ideas but nothing hit me and I was worried that for the first time I would sit at the computer and nothing would be there!!! I like to think that John inspires me..it makes my life easier to pretend he is still with me…so I was thinking today .. “Geeze, John, what the heck??? Don’t you know I still need you???
Well, I get to school and have a meeting with some parents I don’t know and the Mom starts talking about how her son from a first marriage is in jail and her daughter (who was the student we were talking about) misses him so much and doesn’t understand why he takes drugs and gets himself into trouble! We talked about the fact it is a sickness and people don’t always understand that…yada yada yada.. When the meeting was over she came over to me and thanked me! She said most people don’t understand (including her husband) but she said …he is still my son!! I told her never to be ashamed to be his mom…and told her “at least he is still here, and as long as you have him there is always hope!” I told her things could always be worse…she could be me! (and of course, told her about John) I think it did make her feel better…and I like it when his death could at least be used for some good…he would like it too..of that I am certain.( I found out later that the mother and father are in a rock and roll band…so I guess John was telling me not to worry, he is still here for me!)
It is John’s birthday this month and I have to say I am no closer to healing than I was when he died…I miss him more if that is possible…I am slowly beginning to realize that I am just never, ever, going to be really, truly, happy again…and it is a lot of work to get up every day and pretend otherwise. But that is my job now..and believe me … it is a job!
So, for his birthday…I would like to ask you to try to think of everyone you meet as having a story…and be understanding…because you never know what others are carting around for baggage…be thankful for what you have…it could ALWAYS be worse!!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
John's Paver
The Alumni at Syracuse have donated a paver in John's name. Check it out if you visit the Orange Grove. He would be humbled by this kind and thoughtful gesture.
October 4, 2009 Harvest Moon
Full Harvest Moon. Traditionally, this designation goes to the full moon that occurs closest to the Autumnal (fall) Equinox. The Harvest Moon usually comes in September, but sometimes it will fall in early October as is the case in 2009; the next time won't come until 2017. At the peak of the harvest, farmers can work into the night by the light of this moon. Usually a full moon rises an average of 50 minutes later each night, but for the few nights around the Harvest Moon, the moon seems to rise at nearly the same time each night: just 25 to 30 minutes later across the U.S., and only 10 to 20 minutes later for much of Canada and Europe. Corn, pumpkins, squash, beans, and wild rice -- the chief Indian staples -- are now ready for gathering. Interesting, isn't it?
Well, every month I worry about what I am going to write about but this month it came to me several weeks ago and I haven't had anything else pop into my head that I think is better so here it is..
I was driving home from school one day and someones trash barrel had blown into the street. I thought about pulling over and getting it but I didn't ... I just kept driving and by the time I got home I was feeling so guilty I couldn't believe it!! I just kept thinking it wouldn't have killed me to get out and save that barrel ... and my feet weren't even killing me that day..so I had no excuse! Of course I knew John was disappointed...I will never forget the time that Lauren and John were driving home from school and saw an old lady dragging her barrel down a long driveway to her house. Lauren felt bad for her and mentioned they should help so she stopped the car and John got out..well, when he went to the woman she was frightened at first and then his soft charm took over and she let him take the barrel for her. I loved that story then and I love it still...the mental picture I have of the whole scene makes me smile....the world was a better place when he was in it.
so, I feel like a real stinker for just not taking a minute to help a stranger...and have felt guilty about it for a few weeks now...and the lesson I have learned from it is that it is so much better to carry a feeling with you when you have been kind to someone than when you missed a chance and have to live with the regret...you never know when you will run out of chances to do good...take them when you can and enjoy the happy, content feeling they will give you in return!
Well, every month I worry about what I am going to write about but this month it came to me several weeks ago and I haven't had anything else pop into my head that I think is better so here it is..
I was driving home from school one day and someones trash barrel had blown into the street. I thought about pulling over and getting it but I didn't ... I just kept driving and by the time I got home I was feeling so guilty I couldn't believe it!! I just kept thinking it wouldn't have killed me to get out and save that barrel ... and my feet weren't even killing me that day..so I had no excuse! Of course I knew John was disappointed...I will never forget the time that Lauren and John were driving home from school and saw an old lady dragging her barrel down a long driveway to her house. Lauren felt bad for her and mentioned they should help so she stopped the car and John got out..well, when he went to the woman she was frightened at first and then his soft charm took over and she let him take the barrel for her. I loved that story then and I love it still...the mental picture I have of the whole scene makes me smile....the world was a better place when he was in it.
so, I feel like a real stinker for just not taking a minute to help a stranger...and have felt guilty about it for a few weeks now...and the lesson I have learned from it is that it is so much better to carry a feeling with you when you have been kind to someone than when you missed a chance and have to live with the regret...you never know when you will run out of chances to do good...take them when you can and enjoy the happy, content feeling they will give you in return!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Full Corn Moon
Sometimes this month's moon is also called the Fruit Moon; such monikers were used for a full moon that occurs during the first week of September, so as to keep the Harvest Moon from coming too early in the calendar.
.. just my little FYI of the month!! Hope you get to use this information today :)
For me, September has always been the beginning of the year. I have lived this timetable forever, and remember having an "ah ha" moment when my mom told me that when she went on vacation from work, the whole time she was there new work was still coming to her desk! That is life for everyone who works a whole year!! UGG...that really stinks. I like that my life has a beginning middle and end every year. I like the closure of June and the fresh beginning of September. There is always hope in that life.
I am sure you remember that when you went to school. You were always going to have a great year...new supplies would allow you to get your homework done in a timely fashion and not let things slide...You would love your teacher...and make new friends...it was going to be the best year of your life! You had positive expectations and that is a very good place to be...even if only for a little while.
Well, I have begun a new job in a new school system and this has given me the opportunity to think about that again. Even though I have had some first day (week) nervousness, I have been able to look at the situation and reflect on my past expereinces.
And... the one thing that has jumped out at me was how kind the administration has been to me. They have all treated me as though they are lucky to have me and taken the time to say it in front of me...which has really made me feel so welcome! I have always gotten along with my peers and have been lucky to work with many wonderful teachers...truly gifted and sooooo nice. But can't always say that for administration...maybe they forget that as they move up the ladder, which is too bad because good manners do count.
Which gets to my story of John. Everyone who knows him is aware of the many, many acts of kindness he was able to accomplish in his life...and I will probably use them as my starting point for as long as I can write these blogs...but I thought I would tell you of a time that he was so hurt by someone's lack of it.
When the band started to become popular people wrote about them in music blogs. Well, once, a person wrote a horrible blog saying not just that they were bad musicians but went on and on about how he wished they would all die and their families would die too...it was just plain mean. This person didn't know us (at least I don't think they did...if they did know us they could have probably have grounds for saying some stuff...we all let John carry the kindness banner for the family while the rest of us loafed) and of course, anything can be said on a blog without identifing yourself...so who cares, right? Well, let me tell you, it bothered John more than you can imagine...mostly because he couldn't get why someone would, or could, get so worked up to say things like that in a public forum. It was so out of his realm of comprehension! He didn't speak of it often but the one time he brought it up he even showed us the site, so I know he was hurt beyond belief. The funny thing about it is that they didn't even say anything too bad about him personally ...just something like the drummer is guilty by association...but it didn't matter to John...mean is mean any way you cut it.
Which gets to my current point about just having good manners, or treating people as you would like to be treated...I wonder about that post now, that John is dead...does that person feel bad? Does he wish he could just take it back? Well, he can't change the damage he did to John...but maybe we can all think a little before we put in print things we can't take back...it would be nice if we could also at least take today to also take a minute to think how what we say to people also hurts..but in the heat of the moment it is difficult to do. Written language is something different..we have the abilty to put that aside and reflect before it is published. So today, let's try to just use some good manners and think before we act...sometimes it comes back to you in ways (good or bad) that you would never imagine.
Good luck
:)
.. just my little FYI of the month!! Hope you get to use this information today :)
For me, September has always been the beginning of the year. I have lived this timetable forever, and remember having an "ah ha" moment when my mom told me that when she went on vacation from work, the whole time she was there new work was still coming to her desk! That is life for everyone who works a whole year!! UGG...that really stinks. I like that my life has a beginning middle and end every year. I like the closure of June and the fresh beginning of September. There is always hope in that life.
I am sure you remember that when you went to school. You were always going to have a great year...new supplies would allow you to get your homework done in a timely fashion and not let things slide...You would love your teacher...and make new friends...it was going to be the best year of your life! You had positive expectations and that is a very good place to be...even if only for a little while.
Well, I have begun a new job in a new school system and this has given me the opportunity to think about that again. Even though I have had some first day (week) nervousness, I have been able to look at the situation and reflect on my past expereinces.
And... the one thing that has jumped out at me was how kind the administration has been to me. They have all treated me as though they are lucky to have me and taken the time to say it in front of me...which has really made me feel so welcome! I have always gotten along with my peers and have been lucky to work with many wonderful teachers...truly gifted and sooooo nice. But can't always say that for administration...maybe they forget that as they move up the ladder, which is too bad because good manners do count.
Which gets to my story of John. Everyone who knows him is aware of the many, many acts of kindness he was able to accomplish in his life...and I will probably use them as my starting point for as long as I can write these blogs...but I thought I would tell you of a time that he was so hurt by someone's lack of it.
When the band started to become popular people wrote about them in music blogs. Well, once, a person wrote a horrible blog saying not just that they were bad musicians but went on and on about how he wished they would all die and their families would die too...it was just plain mean. This person didn't know us (at least I don't think they did...if they did know us they could have probably have grounds for saying some stuff...we all let John carry the kindness banner for the family while the rest of us loafed) and of course, anything can be said on a blog without identifing yourself...so who cares, right? Well, let me tell you, it bothered John more than you can imagine...mostly because he couldn't get why someone would, or could, get so worked up to say things like that in a public forum. It was so out of his realm of comprehension! He didn't speak of it often but the one time he brought it up he even showed us the site, so I know he was hurt beyond belief. The funny thing about it is that they didn't even say anything too bad about him personally ...just something like the drummer is guilty by association...but it didn't matter to John...mean is mean any way you cut it.
Which gets to my current point about just having good manners, or treating people as you would like to be treated...I wonder about that post now, that John is dead...does that person feel bad? Does he wish he could just take it back? Well, he can't change the damage he did to John...but maybe we can all think a little before we put in print things we can't take back...it would be nice if we could also at least take today to also take a minute to think how what we say to people also hurts..but in the heat of the moment it is difficult to do. Written language is something different..we have the abilty to put that aside and reflect before it is published. So today, let's try to just use some good manners and think before we act...sometimes it comes back to you in ways (good or bad) that you would never imagine.
Good luck
:)
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Sturgeon Moon
My nephew died this month…twenty three years old… same as Johnny. Sad beyond belief…I can’t begin to explain the helplessness you feel watching your sister go through this pain. In some ways it is worse because you know the feelings so well but are powerless to help others cope.
Sometimes life just stinks.
But I must say that I am convinced more than ever that you have to be so happy for the gifts you are given every day…I certain I am not supposed to dwell in the sadness that can so easily envelop me...if we spend any time feeling sorry for ourselves because we don’t have as much money as we would like, or the job we want, or the family life we think we deserve, or perfect health..then we have wasted that time and we simply can not get it back…and who knows what events are ahead for us…we could actually look back at the current situation and think that was a piece of cake!!!
I have had many other issues in life that, at the time, I thought were horrendous! Boy, do they seem like little bumps in the road now...I often forget about them…but the feeling of someone sitting on my chest when I think about John just never goes away…ever…
Today when I saw Mrs. Ling rubbing and rubbing her daughter’s arm I remembered that when I had my one dream about John I was kissing and kissing his arm! And I was off…bad, bad day… God, I wish I had him back to hug and kiss and laugh with (or at)…or just get to be his mom again.
And then I just have to stop myself and not stay in this place. I have to think about the things in my life that are positive…my future son in-law who has made my daughter so happy that she has returned to the care free girl I knew when she was in grade school, my friends, my family... and I think I am lucky for that.
So…today…try to think of one thing that makes you feel lucky and hang on to that for dear life…because to have it is such a gift.
Happy Full Sturgeon Moon! The fishing tribes are given credit for the naming of this moon, since sturgeon, a large fish of the Great Lakes and other major bodies of water, were most readily caught during this month.
Sometimes life just stinks.
But I must say that I am convinced more than ever that you have to be so happy for the gifts you are given every day…I certain I am not supposed to dwell in the sadness that can so easily envelop me...if we spend any time feeling sorry for ourselves because we don’t have as much money as we would like, or the job we want, or the family life we think we deserve, or perfect health..then we have wasted that time and we simply can not get it back…and who knows what events are ahead for us…we could actually look back at the current situation and think that was a piece of cake!!!
I have had many other issues in life that, at the time, I thought were horrendous! Boy, do they seem like little bumps in the road now...I often forget about them…but the feeling of someone sitting on my chest when I think about John just never goes away…ever…
Today when I saw Mrs. Ling rubbing and rubbing her daughter’s arm I remembered that when I had my one dream about John I was kissing and kissing his arm! And I was off…bad, bad day… God, I wish I had him back to hug and kiss and laugh with (or at)…or just get to be his mom again.
And then I just have to stop myself and not stay in this place. I have to think about the things in my life that are positive…my future son in-law who has made my daughter so happy that she has returned to the care free girl I knew when she was in grade school, my friends, my family... and I think I am lucky for that.
So…today…try to think of one thing that makes you feel lucky and hang on to that for dear life…because to have it is such a gift.
Happy Full Sturgeon Moon! The fishing tribes are given credit for the naming of this moon, since sturgeon, a large fish of the Great Lakes and other major bodies of water, were most readily caught during this month.
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