Acts of Kindness

January 2012

2012-01-09T17:01:00.000-05:00

January - Full Wolf Moon

This full Moon appeared when wolves howled in hunger outsidethe villages. It is also known as the Old Moon. To some Native American tribes,this was the Snow Moon, but most applied that name to the next full Moon, inFebruary.

Everyone who has ever known John would say he was funny. Hewas the life of the party and even at home he had a way of turning everythinginto fun…it was rare when you would retell a story were he was the one who wasaggressive or took a situation to a place that made people uncomfortable. Iknow he took a few board games very seriously but when people talked about it Idon’t remember them thinking it was anything other than a quirk of his. ( but Icould be wrong about that)

Some people (teachers and administrators) thought he just didn'ttake life seriously but they were so wrong …clearly his teachers just didn’t take the timeto get to know him…because when you did you realized that John knew exactly what wasimportant in life and how he was going to get there. In college, he would sitin on many classes at the beginning of the term to determine which ones wouldbenefit him. I have to admit when he told me of this practice I smiled…Ithought back to the courses I took in college that I suffered through andthought…God John, you are so clever! He knew what was going to work for him andhe did it…and graduated with honors to boot! He “ audited” courses in photography and wine making ortasting..I can’t remember which…he would just go and sit in…not getting creditfor it…just doing it for the pleasure of learning. I once told him he couldtake any course he wanted but he was on the clock and had to be finished in 4years, because if I had said anything else he would have taken 8 years tograduate but have several degrees…and that was not happening (now that I write thisI wish I had let him stay in school forever..)

I think the best example of how much fun he had in life was when once, in high school, he came home and told me he wasstarting a new club. He found a teacher who had agreed to supervise, and peoplehad joined. When I asked what the new club was called he told me VAG…and thenanswered my facial expression with “Video Audio Group mom, get your mind out ofthe gutter” The club was to make a video each monthand the local cable channel agreed to air it…which did happen…and the videoswere hysterical ! The club was disbanded when John and another kid tried tojoin a " learn to swim group " at the YMCA dressed in goggles, a Speedo, flippersand the blow up things little babies put on their arms to stay afloat(swimmies). The Y didn’t think it was as funny as the rest of us…and the highschool agreed with the Y…so the fun was over. I think his reputation withteachers suffered because of this event…and it is a shame because the kids werereally learning about technology and how to stage and edit video as well asworking within deadlines…real life lessons…ones that may have put them ona path towards an actual job…but that is not the point of my blog…my point isthat they had fun doing it and other kids had real fun watching it…so lots oflearning happened along with lots of fun…how often does that happen in life?

And that brings me to my thought for this month and maybe forthe year. Try to have some fun in life…it makes you happier, more productiveand it makes everyone around you happy…what more can you ask of life than that?It was a lesson John taught me that I didn’t even realize until today and Ihope that it can become a part of your life too!

December 2011

2011-12-16T10:11:00.001-05:00

December’sfull moon is called The Full Cold Moon; or the Full Long Nights Moon –Duringthis month the winter cold fastens its grip, and nights are at their longestand darkest. It is also sometimes called the Moon before Yule. The term LongNight Moon is a doubly appropriate name because the midwinter night is indeedlong, and because the Moon is above the horizon for a long time. The midwinterfull Moon has a high trajectory across the sky because it is opposite a lowSun.

When I read this I thought about how a long dark nightoccurs this month along side the holidays…and the holidays are certainly longand dark for many people..especially now. Then of course, I thought of John andremembered a story that was told to me once. Apparently he was always late foreverything and while people were waiting for him to show up they would becomplaining about him…only to completely forget about it when he showed up…Iwas told…when John came…the party started! Now, the question is…how did thathappen? What the heck did he do that caused that to be his moniker? I know hisfriends may be able to answer it better than I can because they witnessedit…but I think that his success with people was that he gave them 100% of hisattention…if you were to see him at a party you knew he was just so interestedin whoever he was talking to…after my parents 50^th anniversary partyhe informed me that a friend of my fathers was a “home brewer” of beer…and I dothink this was what got him going on that…because later on he joined the clubthat the man belonged to…he was the youngest member by a long shot…but he tookfrom these people the love of brewing and a wealth of information (when he wasold enough to enter a contest he won first prize …first time out of thegate!)

John just was aware of the fact that other people have stuffto share…and it is so worth the effort to put yourself out there a little tofind it out! He had to come into this life with this info…I certainly didn’tgive that skill to him ( I knew that guy a long time and never knew that factabout him)… I think this skill of John’s created a person who everyoneloved…because he would justify your existence by giving you all ofhimself…soooo… this month I thought it would be nice for us all to do the same…verydifficult gift to give because many are so busy with lists and lists of “todos”, but, how about just doing simplethings like looking into the eyes of a waitress or a clerk at the store whenyou shop and acknowledge them in some way…like looking into their eyes and sayingthank you…so they know you really did mean it…We really don’t know whathardships others are carrying around…you may just be the one person who hasbeen able to lift the spirits of another human…just by doing that…now that is awonderful gift to give the world this month…and it costs nothing more thanusing your memory!!

Full moon November 2011

2011-11-11T10:27:00.001-05:00

Full Beaver Moon – November This was thetime to set beaver traps before the swamps froze, to ensure a supply of warmwinter furs. Another interpretation suggests that the name Full Beaver Mooncomes from the fact that the beavers are now actively preparing for winter. Itis sometimes also referred to as the Frosty Moon.

I think I have a perfect story for November…because it hasto do with giving thanks. When John decided to give the band a shot theystarted touring the country and were asked to do a “show” at the studio of aweb based radio station called WOXY. It was about to go off the air (but latersaved and I think it still exist…but not sure because I don’t listen to musicanymore) ..anyway, John’s band was to bethe last act to appear live. They did a few songs and then they wereinterviewed. We were so excited to be able to hear him do his firstinterview…it was cool to think that there were people outside of the familythat thought the music was good…so we all gathered around the computer to hearit…and I was shocked to listen to some band member explain that they wereshocked by the number of people who came to their shows…and then this littlevoice said “thank you though…thanks for coming”…and that little voice was John!!!My John, who was one of the smartest and most knowledgeable people on theplanet …and his only contribution to the conversation was; “thank you forcoming?’ I couldn’t believe that was allhe could find to say…the kid who had his own cable TV show in High School, whowent to the National History Fair Competition using a Beatles topic …couldn’tthink of a music related comment?

When he came home from the tour I chuckled when I asked himwhat the heck was he thinking just thanking people for coming to the show andhe looked at me and asked if that was a bad thing to say…I felt a little badsaying no, but couldn’t he think of more music related comments…and he justshrugged and let it go….

I have always felt badly about that…and …as usual he provedhe knew better than I did about what was important in life…if I had to pick oneconstant comment made about him from others it would be that he was kind…heknew what was important to say…and today…I can not remember one single wordfrom that interview…I only remember that he thanked his fans….and I know thatthey appreciated it too…because at least one kid came all the way from Ohio forhis funeral….I bet he thanked that kid for coming to his show…and that kidthanked him in return ...kindness begets kindness.

So, this month…let’s all try to just thank people who aredeserving and see what happens…You don’t have to be a the worlds smartestperson or a great orator..just keep it simple…and be confident that when youare being kind…simple is truly best!!

Here is the link if you want to listen…it is a little funnyonce you hear the story.

http://woxy.com/music/loungeacts/index.php?id=123

October 2011 Hunters Moon

2011-10-12T09:20:00.001-04:00

Full Hunter’s Moon or Full Harvest Moon – This full Moon is often referred to as the
Full Hunter’s Moon, Blood Moon, or Sanguine Moon. Many moons ago, Native
Americans named this bright moon for obvious reasons. The leaves are falling
from trees, the deer are fattened, and it’s time to begin storing up meat for
the long winter ahead. Because the fields were traditionally reaped in late
September or early October, hunters could easily see fox and other animals that
come out to glean from the fallen grains. Probably because of the threat of
winter looming close, the Hunter’s Moon is generally accorded with special
honor, historically serving as an important feast day in both Western
Europe and among many Native American tribes

It is curious that I would find that October is a harvest
moon because the story I am going to tell you today uses the medical term
“harvesting”, which to me is so gross but when you think about how a harvest
sustains people for a long winter and if crops were left in the field, they would
rot and not useful to anyone…so, taken in context of the greater good..it is a
wonderful thing.

Now, to my story….My mom had to have a piece of her lung
removed and her doctor was the head of the transplant team at Brigham and
Women’s hospital in Boston. During
the intake he asked about her family and of course, she told the story of John.
About half way through the story the Doctor interrupted my mom and told her he
knew about John, and he finished the story…and then added that “your grandson
saved quite a few lives” because he was an organ donor. I knew this was true
because I took him to get his first drivers license and I know we discussed it,
there was no question in his mind that he would become a donor. Who knew …. Who
ever thinks….that when you discuss this with your 16 year old baby… it may
actually come to pass. Of course I didn’t know about it when he died because he
was a “grown up” and they would not have consulted me.

What I couldn’t figure out is how…John was in 50 degree
water for more than 24 hours! Well, my sister who is a nurse told me that he
was in the perfect medium to preserve things….again…who knew?

Naturally I had a little sob session when my mom told me
this story….I started to think how if John were still here I would ask him “are
you proud of yourself?” just as I had asked him one million times when he was
alive and did something he should be proud of…and I smiled…because I knew he
would be. I could even hear him as a toddler saying; ”I’m fwoud (proud) to you” when I did something he thought was great.

Then this morning, on the Today show, they interviewed a
bride who just received a heart transplant and she mentioned that if she got
the chance she would tell the family of the donor that part of their loved one
lives on and gets to experience all the things that she will experience in her
life… and I thought how much John would love that…to be experiencing millions
of new things…through as many people as he could…it is perfect for him….a dream
come true…and I smiled just thinking of it (for a change)

So…my message this month is to consider offering this chance
to do for others…I once didn’t want to donate my eyes until my husband
mentioned that my 20/400 vision was better than being blind…and just think
about what I am going to “see” when then are used by the next person!!! It
would be great if we could pass this idea on to other people…I never talk about
it because I do think it is a private issue…but maybe if people who are on the
fence (as I was about my eyes) may change their minds if they think about this
issue from the point of view of this story!!

September 2011 - Full Corn Moon

2011-09-12T10:41:00.001-04:00

Full Corn Moon – September This full moon’s name is attributed to Native Americans because it marked when corn was supposed to be harvested. Most often, the September full moon is actually the Harvest Moon.

I have been asked twice in as many days what’s up with my full moon posts…I have been busy helping out with the babies and I just figured that I was a pest sending these things out every month…anyone who knows me is well aware that I struggle to do what I suggest in my Blog …John was my inspiration… when he died I would look back on his life and noticed that he did so many small acts of kindness for so many people…and he never looked for recognition for them…they were just a part of his personality. The fact that the world wasn’t going to continue to get the benefits of John seemed a shame to me…hence the Blog. When I first mentioned that I was considering this undertaking Lauren asked if I could think of enough stories about John to keep it going…and as those of you who knew him would agree…I can!!

The idea of this months blog came to me as I read the book Caleb’s Crossing which is about the Wampanoag Indians of Cape Cod. As I read I was reminded of a project Lauren was assigned in 3rd grade. She was to pick an Indian tribe to research and she picked the Wampanoag’s because we have a house in Mashpee; where they currently have a library etc. Well, at the time, it was impossible to get information that a third grader could read and comprehend so I got a book written for adults and every night I would read the story of the Wampanoag’s to the kids. At the time, John was in first grade and he would sit beside me on Lauren’s double bed listening to how the colonists tricked the Indians into giving up their land and how they used the laws of England to their advantage when dealing with the innocent and trusting tribe…I have to admit, it was interesting and very sad for me but the most poignant part of the story was when that little face looked up at me one night and said…”Mommy, I hate us!” He sat there listening for so many nights and got it…he knew that we were descendents of the group of people who moved into this country and just took over…using the land to suit our purpose…without any consideration for the original owners!!! I always loved the words he used…not having the vocabulary yet for anything more complicated…he said it all…simply and perfectly!

And that is my story…wouldn’t it be nice if people in power could use it for good…and not take advantage of a situation? It could be as easy as being patient with someone who was not as “quick” as you are…or a child sticking up for another who is bullied at school! The fact is when we have power we can and should be aware of it and try to use it as it was meant to be….so I thought it would be fun this month to be aware of the moments when we have been given power and try to use it to its best advantage…I think that we may all be surprised how often that we do have some power in life! So, win-win…we realize we do have some power and we use it for the better of all!! I know by my next blog John will be saying …I LOVE US!!!

Full Buck Moon

2011-07-17T21:46:00.000-04:00

I am sorry I have been away for a few months …my daughter just had twins and I have been blessed to have the opportunity to help her out…but at my age it is a BIG job and every month I seem to loose track of time until the full moon is long gone. In fact, I might have missed it again had they had not mentioned it on the news .. Apparently it is the buck moon …because this is the month when bucks antlers begin to show…interesting don’t you think?

Now for the blog…my daughter named her son John after her brother but it is the baby girl Ginger, who looks so much like my John, it’s scary!! And she acts like him too…very alert but often fussy…(we used to call him “Cryin’ John Ryan”) … I naturally offer to take her when she is unhappy…I don’t really mind her crying the way I did his…I guess it is because now I know that it will end and she will turn out great.. I don’t have the “I am not a good enough mother thing” hanging over my head anymore.

Lauren paid me a tremendous complement the other day when she told me that when she is home with the twins by herself and they are both carrying on she copies the things she has seen me do with them…I only hope that she understands I was NOT like this when I was the mom…I was a nervous wreck ….and I was constantly wishing they would get a little older thinking that whatever was bugging me at the time would be better when they grew up a little…

Then….as I walked into the yarn shop the other day I overheard another mom complaining about her 23 year old son…he was driving around in an unregistered car even though the mom had told him to get it rectified for weeks!!! She was so frustrated with him…but you could still hear the love in her voice. … and it brought me right back…back to the days that I was that mom…going to the bank to cover John’s overdrafts….putting in an extra $50.00 to give him a cushion and having the teller tell me that wasn’t even going to cover his fees….and calling to yell at him to tell me when he was getting low on funds so we can avoid those crazy fees!!!

Naturally I told her my story…how great he turned out in spite of all his little quirks…I told her that her son would be fine too…and I told her how much I wish I could have him back to yell at…how much I wish I could have my life back…

And then it hit me…we all spend too much time wishing our life away…can’t wait until my baby can sleep all night, or drive himself to baseball practice…on and on…when we should be stopping to think that tomorrow may never come to us…today may be all we have…and today IS great…especially when you are looking back…

So..my message to you this month is to take minute to stop this month and appreciate your life as it is today…and believe it is good, because it probably is good..Certainly better than the alternative!

Super Full Moon

2011-03-19T17:39:00.001-04:00

When the super perigee moon hits the sky, like a big pizza pie, that's amore.

Check out the full moon this evening--it could be 14 percent bigger and 30 percent brighter than usual. Why, you ask…well, the moon has an elliptical orbit around the Earth; when the moon seems big, as it will tonight, it's on the “perigee” side and about 31,000 miles closer to Earth than at any other time.

So what makes tonight special? "The full Moon of March 19th occurs less than one hour away from perigee--a near-perfect coincidence that happens only every 18 years or so," says Geoff Chester of the U.S. Naval Observatory in Washington, D.C.

The best time to view the moon will be at about sunset. There's an illusion during a low-hanging moon that makes it seem larger when seen behind trees and buildings. Despite seeming so near, our closest neighbor in space will still be 221,000 miles away!

Naturally when I found out about the big moon today I felt I had to spend the time talking about how John was “bigger than life”…and he was…at least to me. I thought to myself how the heck am I going to write about this theme without it sounding like I am just being his mom? What would be my message here? I went over my notes (I write things down when they come to me for fear I may be stranded someday on the full moon) …but as has been the case in every single month since I began this blog… a thought just came to me…

I told you the story of the girl who went to school with John who dreamt about him the night she found out she was pregnant with her son…how he came to her and told her that her little boy was for her. Well, last month another one of his friends from high school emailed me to tell me of a dream she had of him and how it has helped her deal with her fathers terminal illness…She told me that previous to her dream she had been just so “devastated” by her situation…and after her dream and visit with John she awoke and was calm for the first time in quite a while.

I like to think that John can, and does visit people who he knew (just wish he would come to his own house once in a while). Anything that keeps him alive for me is what I choose to believe…

But then I really started thinking about this particular story and the pattern that was developing … I realized the power he had…and still has … to help people. After all this time… these kids went to high school with John, they have lived for many years and had many experiences since 2004! They have certainly met other people who have no doubt loved and cared for them…yet, they chose (or allowed their subconscious to choose) John to be the person who could give them the peace they needed it…..It is amazing when you really think of it that way.…Big…like the moon, and powerful..

Naturally, I wondered if anyone would ever dream of me when they needed comforting….

Alright….to be honest, I only spent one second on that thought…I knew immediately no one would ever dream of me when they needed comfort! Who am I kidding?? I can barely take care of myself never mind being there for others…but I feel bad about that…and I wonder how do you get there? What qualities do you need that would make someone call on YOU in a dream to help them? I really don’t know, but John apparently did, and that is really something special.

So tonight, be sure to spend a minute looking at that great big moon and try to think of just one thing you can do to get to be the person people dream of when they are in need…because in the world we live today…that is a Big and Powerful gift to give to each other.

Februrary 2011

2011-02-21T21:07:00.002-05:00

This month I found interesting new names for the February Full Moon...Apparently various American Indian tribes had different names as did the Colonialists themselves! Clearly they had winters like the one we have had this year...

Colonial moon - trappers moon
Cherokee Indians - bony moon
Choctaw Indians - famine moon
Dakota Sioux - moon when trees pop

We would have fit right in with the Sioux this year because during the first storm in December a big tree fell on John's Jeep and totaled it..Oddly, it was one of the tress that his tree house was built on! It took my husband a whole month to let it go..it actually sat in the garage for all the other storms so it wouldn't get snow in it (the tree feel right where the roof meets the windshield) I don't know what was harder..to see it every day with the smashed in windshield or to not see it in the driveway when I come home from work! Just another little piece of him that is gone..I am so glad that he lives on through all his many, many incredible friends! I hang on to that and every time I hear from one of you I am so thankful I could cry!

This leads me to this months blog..I happened to be watching TV just before Valentines Day and saw the add for Hallmark that advertised "I love us" and I thought about something Lauren constantly says about her life with John...and it was just that ...she has said time and time again..."I loved us"..and she says it in a way that makes me think that she can't believe that it was taken away from her..like she always knew that what they had was special...she appreciated it and didn't need it to be gone to realize it...she just knew...always

Lauren and her husband are expecting twins in May and the first thing she said to me when she found out that they are having a boy and a girl was "Mom, I think that John is telling me that he liked us too" I know she misses him every day just as I do..he would have been such a funny uncle!!! Sometimes I think maybe a little too "funny"...(anyone who had him for a camp counselor or babysitter will surely agree and probably share...something I am almost afraid to hear about!!)

But that is just what was so special about him..he always gave you a memory..good or bad (funny that now I even think he was kinda funny when he was bad..I think I realize he was just being a kid..and when I think of the adult he became I know that the little mistakes he made along the way were the moments we would all laugh about later in life .. and how wonderful it is to have them ..and how badly I wish he were here to laugh along with us ..to hear his perspective on those things..to listen to him tell the stories from his interesting perspective and Lauren from hers...telling me what a crazy mother I was or reminding me when I overacted to something...etc..etc. I am SURE they would be able to go on and on....

I know that is what Lauren misses the most ..having the other piece of her childhood...the one who could fill in the names or places or dates ..who lived her life with her..and that is what I wish for you this month..I hope you can take a second to say " I love us" as you think of your family and friends..reflect on how lucky you are to have each other..it is a very precious and fragile gift that has been given to you and can be just as quickly taken away...and maybe take a moment to tell those you love just that...

Happy Snow Moon

2011-01-21T11:19:00.002-05:00

Only a few Indian tribes called the January full moon the Snow Moon ...most used it in February... but I think that if they had a January like this one...Snow Moon would have been used!
I am going to tell you a funny story about John and snow...
He was the WORST worker around the house...I couldn't get him to do things and once he was finally helping out he would find countless ways to get out of it...bathroom breaks went on forever..etc... he was so frustrating and I felt so bad for his sister who was the opposite..never had to ask her to help and she would stick it out til the job was finished, never even complaining that he was slacker. Well, to get around it on snow days I would tell them that one had to shovel the back walk and the other one shoveled the front, and first out could pick.... I figured it would reward the hard worker and hopefully motivate the other...
didn't work....
he didn't give a fig and therefore was always stuck with the worst job...but he just took the hit (but still needed lots of prompts to get going) The only part of this plan that worked was that I think Lauren may have felt rewarded for a change...but John just didn't care...he was attention was always somewhere else...and..in retrospect...probably on more important things in life.
Which leads me to the message of the month...try to look past the pieces of your life that you currently think are SO important and look at the big picture of what is really and truly worthwhile.
Good luck with this..it is hard...I don't know how he did it...I sometimes this he came into this life knowing it... because he never spoke of it...he just moved through life doing it...and I wish I realized it when I could have talked to him about it...now I just have to hope I am doing it right...
one thing I do know is he was happier than most of us...and content...and I think that if we spend a little time every day thinking of what is really important to us and focusing on it we may find we are too..
good luck and try to enjoy the snow or at least laugh when you think of him shoveling!

2010-12-22T18:44:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the delay, computer problems!

I have thought about this post on and off forever, knowing I would have to address this someday but dreading the day I actually had to write it because it brings back so much sadness. ..But this month I have had experiences that brought the topic to my mind and I said to John; " If you don't give my something else to write about this is the month I am telling your story!"...well I had my answer when at school this week I saw a kid wearing a T- Shirt with the exact phrase I was going to use for my blog this month. Do Your Job is something I have never seen on a shirt worn by a teenager before so I did a double take, and figured I had my sign...

The death of your child is one of the few things that every parent can relate to..you don't have to live it to understand..so you won't find it hard to believe that we were living in a fog the weekend he went missing... just concentrating on the next breath rather than the horror our life was becoming...but even in the fog I was aware that things were not quite right, I just couldn't muster the energy to do anything beyond asking questions.

The first inkling I had that people weren't doing their job was when they found John's body and they told us that the area was going to be treated like a crime scene, so we might not want to go there. I asked if the house where he was staying was also a crime scene and the police told me that it was not because the kids came from good families...I did think to myself, gee, I think we are a good family, but didn't say anything because I figured I couldn't prove we were nice so why would he believe me?

We also couldn't prove that John hated the ocean to anyone who didn't know him. It was only hearsay and I was afraid we would look like we were trying to make excuses for him. When the State Police tried to tell us that their "marine officer" thought John may have tripped as he walked along the waters edge, got water splashed in his face, seen the lights across the harbor and walked towards them, which made him go deeper into the ocean. Thank God my husband is stronger than I am, he did loose it with that one...I mean ...really....did they think we were complete idiots? John only had 4 beers that night (and believe me, they checked for everything), the water was about 50 degrees, and although he was a great swimmer, he had a fear of sharks and never got his head wet in the ocean during the daytime, so ....really? They wanted us to believe that a kid who graduated Magna Cum Laude from Newhouse School of Communication at Syracuse wouldn't just turn around and look where the shore was as the 50 water got higher and higher on his legs?

I trusted that people were doing their job even though my cousin, who was the funeral director, commented on John's two black eyes and the line across his forehead, and suggested that maybe we should do our own autopsy. My husband asked the state police if they felt they had enough information and trusted them when they said they did...but later tried to explain away those marks by saying that they were made from brushing against the ocean floor...again...really?

As I said, I have always resisted recounting this story in my blog because it is so very painful for us. I feel that I have let John down, I know that people who read about his death think he was probably just another drug using drummer, and that is so unfair to him...but only people who were lucky enough to know him realize (and were pushing us from the start) someone wasn't doing their job.

Now, I can't change my life, I can only go on and do the best I can, maybe my blog is my effort to correct the injustice done to John ....but the fact remains that there are people who don't do their jobs, and sometimes it is devastating to others...So that is my message this month...a new year will soon be upon us and may be a good time to assess yourself...are you doing a good job.??....are you even doing your job at all???.....as a parent.....a friend...an employee.....if not....maybe you have your New Years Resolution!

November 2010 Full Beaver Moon

2010-11-20T15:37:00.002-05:00

Happy Full Beaver Moon! Happy Thanksgiving!
This was the time to set the beaver traps before the swamps froze, to ensure a supply of warm winter furs. Another interpretation suggests that the name Full Beaver Moon comes from the fact that the beavers are now actively preparing for winter
As you know, John’s birthday is also in November and to honor him this month I have tried to do little acts of kindness whenever I can. The other day I was going into Dunkin Donuts and held the door for a man who was coming in right behind me and as he went in he turned to me, looked me right in the eye and thanked me…so I smiled and told him he was certainly welcome! As we stood in the line waiting for our order he turned to me and said, “no one ever does anything courteous anymore!”
That got me thinking about how John … I know he would like that I did that, he would be proud of me. (Funny that now the parent is worried if the child is proud of her? ) I thought that he would like it if I made a habit of it...and then I thought...wow, he would really like it if everyone just took a minute to do those little things once in a while?
I wish I could count the number of people who have told me that he always spoke to them when he saw them around town. They always sounded surprised…isn’t’ it a shame that he was an abnormality in that regard? Shouldn’t we all be trying to make an effort to surprise someone with a simple act of kindness like that???? It is a sad commentary on the world today if those little acts died with John…
So, today, I am suggesting that you just be thankful that you have the ability to make someone smile…I know you will be surprised at the reception you get! And a great big “Thank you “ for reading my blog…

October 2010 Hunters Moon

2010-10-22T18:03:00.001-04:00

Happy Hunters Moon.
As I listened to the news this morning I was reminded that tonight is the full moon and thought to myself, as I almost always do….what the heck am I going to write about? Following my usual routine, I then said to myself (and to John) … hope you can give me something to work with!
Well, not 5 minutes later it came to me…with the certainty that all my little stories do…and I am telling you this one because I believe (or should I say, I choose to believe) that someone needs to hear this today…so, whoever you are…here goes…
John had many friends who came from different backgrounds and interests…and oddly enough they contact us from time to time (which proves how kind people can be ) telling us that they still think of John or dream of him etc…it is comforting beyond belief!! Well, the other day I got a message from one of his friends who had just found out she was expecting a baby…which was a surprise to her, and I don’t think at the time she considered it a good surprise. Well, John came to her in the dream and told her he had something for her then handed her a beautiful baby boy. Well, come to find out she is, in fact, having a baby boy…which just adds a little drama to the story.
After I got over the WOW factor of her story I started to think of my own life, the trouble I had wrapping my head around the fact that I was going to have two kids 18 months apart. When I found out I was pregnant I thought to myself, well, at least let’s hope it is another girl, I already have the clothes and they could be the best friends, just as my sister and I were when we growing up. It was a blessing that I found out John was a boy, I needed the time to adjust before I had to face him….And he made me earn my money….all I am going to say about his infancy is that we called him “Cryin’ John Ryan” because that is just about all he did for 6 months. I think he would have gone on longer but the cut off for sleeping through the night was 6 months so once I got to that milestone, I put him in the bedroom as far away from us as I could and let him go. It was brutal…
No one who knew him as a teenager or adult would have ever known that part of him…he didn’t even know it himself until he was in high school and we happened to talk about it one day. I never would have brought it up…because the simple fact is. I didn’t have to….once I got him I realized that he was the best gift ever!! And…he actually got better as he got older!!! He was funny, smart, kind, and loving…and added to our family in ways we couldn’t ever count…. Truly….a blessing from heaven. Which is what is going to happen to this girl…she is going to be the best parent ever because she has so much to give!
So, my message this month is to let your life play out the way it was supposed to…sometimes when you think the worst thing has happened to you…it can turn out to be the best when you look back. (ok, I can never think that John’s death was good, but that is the exception and I am trying to keep an open mind on that subject…I certainly got to know his friends in ways I never would have…and they are a reflection of him…really, really, special. I also got the best son in law on the planet because if it…so there are a few good things!)
Have a good month..and “hunt” for the things in your life that are the happy surprises, for they are certainly there if you look.

September 2010 Harvest Moon

2010-09-22T22:03:00.002-04:00

The Super Harvest Moon will rise as the sun sets for the first time in 20 years! (thanks Lil)

It is funny that the moon this month would be called harvest moon because my blog is about just that…harvesting what you can, when you can.

I have recently watched more friends than I should endure the hardships of life…I actually sent one a poem written for parents of disabled children that talks about a woman who thought she was taking a trip to Italy like all her friends, a trip she had planned and prepared for…but when she landed the stewardess said “welcome to Holland!” The woman was very upset because this wasn’t the trip she had booked, and she did not want substitutions.

Well, the woman thought about it for a while…and it occurred to her that while she may not be taking a trip to the most glamorous country in the world this country did have some merits of its own….you just have to take the time to stop and look for them.

I have been thinking about that poem this week and realized that it could have been written for me too…for everyone really…. Because life doesn’t go as planned for anyone, we all have disappointments along the way. None of us get the life we anticipated …We are stuck with the life we get and all we can do is make the best of it. To make it work we need to look at our situation and try to see what is good about it instead of feeling sorry for ourselves…by doing this we won’t miss the gifts we have been given.

Don’t get me wrong..I miss John every single day of my life. I miss the way he made me laugh, …his one of a kind hugs,… his beautiful words, …and being able to be his mom…but in the past three years I have noticed that people can be kind and giving beyond all belief and I now know that the only truly important thing I can do in life is to be kind in return, to make a difference in at least one person’s life…and that is something I would never, ever have realized if I was still caught up in my little family. I loved my life, I hate that I am the visual reminder to everyone that life is short…but that is what I have been dealt, and no one wants to be with a cry baby…so I just have to move on…And that is what I want to pass on you today…harvest all the happiness you can and give in return…because truly…what you have planned may not be what has been planned for you..

August 2010

2010-08-27T20:53:00.000-04:00

Full Sturgeon Moon – August The fishing tribes are given credit for the naming of this Moon, since sturgeon, a large fish of the Great Lakes and other major bodies of water, were most readily caught during this month. A few tribes knew it as the Full Red Moon because, as the Moon rises, it appears reddish through any sultry haze. It was also called the Green Corn Moon or Grain Moon.

I lost track of the moon cycle this month because we had so much rain in the days prior to it…sorry! And I had my story all set last week when I attended a fund-raiser that one of John’s friends had for him…where wonderful friends of ours served as bartenders … which was sooo much fun! The only, and I do mean only good thing about losing John is the realization that we are blessed beyond what we deserve in the friends department.
And my story this month came from that night…the head of the drama department came to this event and kindly told me that he has been teaching for 23 years and of all the students he had..John was really special; and he said he knew it even then. This surprised me because I know that the rest of the teaching staff at Hamilton Wenham Regional High School didn’t like him at all (see previous story about the National Honor Society) AND I had heard the story from John’s friend Matt (who was hosting the event) several days before when he informed me that John almost caused the play HMS Pinafore to be canceled because he was constantly dragging the “sailors” ( of which he was one) off to the music room to play music instead of practicing!!! Matt was the poor kid who had the lead..so he had to learn lines and songs and here was John…just goofing around and getting the rest of the gang to follow …throwing the serious actors into fits!!! They told me that they figured the solution was to just let John adlib every night…he was given some loose parameters and he was to just do his thing…and …as Matt reported…he stole the show!!! Well, I went to every one of the performances and he really did not steal the show but those sailors were very funny and it was clear that they were having fun…which is what you want to see in a play…but until just now I had no idea he was such a pain in the neck!
The funny thing is…Matt still had a fundraiser for him…all on his own! And his teacher still came to it!!! On a Thursday night!!! You really have to wonder how John did it…how he got everyone to love him in spite of all his antics!! I have decided that somehow John just knew what was important in life and didn’t worry about the little things…but you really have to admire the people who just knew he was worth the trouble…I am so happy he had those people in his life…kids deserve that…and those people have the gift of his story to tell now…and they were a part of it…and can take credit for making him the superstar he became. The one that record company executives and recording artists loved too…the one who could inspire someone to drive from Ohio to his funeral because “he was so kind to take the time to make me feel what it was to be part of his world.” I have many more stories but will save them for future blogs…my point this month is to take the time to try to see beyond the actions of people…you just may be surprised at what you find!! I wish you luck on this…cause if you find someone special – it is so worth the ride…and you will be laughing all the way !

July 2010

2010-07-26T11:38:00.000-04:00

Today is a Full Thunder Moon, for the reason that thunderstorms are most frequent during this time, which is certainly what we have experienced this summer! For me, it has been a full thunder moon both literally and figuratively because, like a bolt of thunder, I have heard this month of the death of a friend’s young daughter and another’s husband. If only I could tell others of the feeling you have when you realize that the sadness will never really go away, or how silly you feel when you think back to realize that you woke up that morning thinking it was just another day… only to find out that the universe had other plans.

I choose now to believe in an afterlife in the hope that I will see John again…read all kinds of books on the subject; searching for a way to make sure that someday I will have my happy little family together again…I just bought a clothes line and drive a hybrid car; two things I would never do before John died -but I am not taking chances … need to have as many points in the “good” column as possible and just being a nice person is really difficult for me…so I try to find other ways to get there (not going to lie to you…being “good “to the earth is a much easier day to day commitment for me than being “good” to others !) I am certain that the rest of my family will make it to wherever John is…it is me I am nervous about…

And that’s the funny thing about buying into an afterlife, I just can’t believe that the John’s job was over…that he was finished with his life’s work. At his wake I heard so many kids tell me wonderful stories about the kind things he had done…it took my breath away..I only wished I thought to start asking stories at the beginning of the wake…I am certain I missed some …and those acts need to be told - to let others know that kindness DOES matter…

In my mind, John should be here…still being his nice self! And I should be over with the big part of my job…I should be sitting around, admiring the good job I did (ha ha), not writing blogs as a way to keep the “spirit” of his kindness going…HE should be doing it…

And that is the way I feel about the other people that have joined him … I can’t believe that their job was finished…when you hear about really truly good and kind people who die you say to the universe…REALLY??? You don’t think we need MORE of these types of people???? I don’t get it…and doubt I ever will….

So, today…try to think about this…what if this was your last moment…have you measured up??? Would news of your passing hit others like thunder???? If not, this is a good time to get going…

Full Strawberry Moon – June

2010-06-26T22:26:00.000-04:00

The relatively short season for harvesting strawberries comes each year during the month of June . . . so the full Moon that occurs during that month was christened for the strawberry!

It is 9:45 and I actually had to hop out of bed to write this blog…as I left the room my husband asked me …do you have anything to write about..to which I shook my head “no”…but I wasn’t worried because I knew that the minute I sat at this computer something would come to me. I have great faith in John’s help..our family gives him so much credit that Lauren often says that no one in our will ever get credit for a good idea again!

Anyway…my first job every month is to search for the meaning of the full moon and … I had it….the strawberry moon…Perfect!

I am very “crafty”…I must have had many odd jobs in a past life because not only do I like working with my hands.. I find comfort in doing so…but it has always bothered me that my kids didn’t seem to have the interest in acquiring skills in this area. I have given every single niece and many of my children’s friends kits to learn how to knit…and the lessons to go with it…shown countless people how to make pickles etc…but it really never caught on with Lauren….my daughter….the one I would have thought would get into it…I think she realized that I was pinning my hopes on her and tried to let me know that she was not going to be the one to carry on the torch when she told me that her goal in life was to make enough money to hire someone to do these things…and I had to admit … that wasn’t a bad goal to have!

But as the kids got older I realized that I was looking in the wrong direction … it was John who was going to be my apprentice!! Of course it would be him…he found everything interesting and fun!!! He, who couldn’t ever master cursive writing well enough to use it effectively would learn to knit (we needed lots of verbal cues for that one but he did make Mary a boiled wool bag!) and cook…and once, the summer before he died…asked me to teach him how to make jelly and jam…We had so much fun that day…just the two of us…talking about the difference between making jam and jelly, when you can make each one as the fruit comes into season…how to pick and clean the berries and the importance of every ingredient in the “jelling” process…it made me feel like I was helping him become a better and more prepared adult…and I got to talk about other things in his life too..little incidental things that I can’t even remember now…I just remember the totality of the day and how much fun it was…and he was so happy with his product…I still have a few jars with the label “strawberry jam” in his little hen scratching … looking at makes me smile to think how lucky I was to have that day… how much I wish I could have more of them…but so very thankful I had the ones I did…and that is what I wish for you all…to take hold of the moments you get like that even though you are tired or busy or just feel like you need your own minute … cause you will have a lifetime of minutes to yourself once they leave you… and really….the minutes you have alone are not the gifts of life at all…so, this week….try to make time for a chat….maybe over tea and toast with strawberry jam…to tell the ones you love how lucky you are to know them…happy Strawberry Moon!

May

2010-05-26T21:44:00.000-04:00

Full Flower Moon – not that you wouldn’t have guesses but it is called this because in most areas, flowers are abundant everywhere during this time.
I have been anxious to write my blog this month because I have been thinking about the topic for weeks!!! Everyone who knew John would agree that he was special in many ways…well beyond his musical ability. And I have tried to document his gifts as I write …but as the third anniversary of his death approaches I have had the opportunity to notice that probably his most special talent was picking friends…
It goes without saying that I miss him every day..but it is astounding how many other people still think of him. I have noticed that a friend of John’s may make a comment on Facebook about him and immediately others will respond… and it has made me think…wow… these kids still think of him..how lucky was he to have found these people…
And that led me to wonder just what would make people feel that way about you…because it is incredible the number of them who find the time to help the foundation…when it would be so easy not to…but they either come, or donate, or help…they never forget…always there for him..as special as he was.
So that is my message this month…to really think about that…what would people think about you when you are gone…would they be there…forever…as John’s friend s are? When I think about his life I remember my mother’s expressions: “Water seeks its own level “and “You are judged by the company you keep”. This has proven true year after year for John…he was so extraordinary and he attracted people who were just as special...so try to seek out people like this to surround yourself with this month and see what good comes of it…
Good luck and hope to see you June 4th or 5th !!!

April - Full Pink Moon

2010-04-28T18:42:00.002-04:00

This name came from the herb moss pink, or wild ground phlox, which is one of the earliest widespread flowers of the spring.

I actually wrote this before I knew the name of this months moon!! It is spring and as the trees start to bud I think back to the conversations I would have with John at this time of year when he was at Syracuse. Naturally we would be discussing finals and his arrival home for the summer and every single year he would want to know if the trees had started to bud..he loved the bright green that colors the world now…when the leaves are young. I never noticed the color before he made me look. And I have never looked at trees the same since.
John brought so much joy to our lives…we were either laughing at the crazy things he did or listening to his beautiful lyrics and melodies, or learning from all the interests he had. He was a truly a gift to me and I often force myself to think of the gifts he is still giving to me. It makes life easier to hang onto…
I think of the many good and wonderful friends I have … so many directly from him…most of my adult friends are parents of his friends . I recount on a regular basis the kindness extended to us after he died…from a community that he just loved…I don’t think he would have moved from Hamilton no matter how famous he became…somehow he knew these people are special. He gave us the gift of the best son in law ever!!! Lauren actually went to school with Tom but it was through John that the connection was made that led to their meeting! And last week we had the honor of taking Lauren and Tom to Granville MA, the home of Noble and Cooley to pick up a drum set that was made from the specs that John had ordered when they agreed to sponsor him. I am going to tell this story so you will know just how wonderful people can be… we don’t hear enough about the acts of kindness done by others …just because…and I am lucky enough to experience it all the time…
When John’s band first became popular he was very busy…traveling around the country night after night, lugging the drum set we bought him for Christmas when he was in the 5th grade…one certainly not made to be played by a “professional”…and it was showing the wear. Once we wanted to meet him for dinner when they played in Boston and he was late because he was driving around looking for parts to keep it together…duct tape didn’t always work. I wanted to buy him a new set and he kept putting me off saying he would be sponsored soon and the manager of the band was working on it. Well, (and he would be mad that I am telling this part) I got to read one of the letters that the manager sent out which began with “hey…” and was horrified, and told him so…and he replied as he often did…”mom, don’t get involved..it will be fine” During this conversation he told me that he was hoping that Noble and Cooley would sponsor him. We got a kick out of it because not only was this company was from Massachusetts (oldest drum company in the US) BUT they made the very first drum set we bought him when he was 2!!! Well, I just had to look it up on the internet and discovered they had a phone number right there…so you just know I had to call to inquire about sponsorship…and didn’t I get one of the owners!! And she was a mom of a drummer too…the rest is history…I got to call him and let him know that he was sponsored …and he was funny..he said, I know I told you not to do it …but I’m glad you did!! We drove out to Granville several weeks later to take a tour of this magical place and John was like a little kid…a twenty three year old guy asking “are we there yet” over and over is funny…We met the most wonderful family who run this incredible company…they took us to see every aspect of the making of the drums and explained their history of making toy drums. We heard about their plans to make a museum in part of the building and took much too much of their time learning about the area and the history of this remarkable family…and when we went to dinner on the way home John told us it was the best day of his life…which turned out to be true because he died one month later…
Now I know that his drum set was already started but I never heard about it…they just dealt with the setback themselves and didn’t bother us…I always wondered about John’s set…and what became of it but it was too hard to do anything else…way too painful to ask (even to this day..I just don’t want to really know) But I did get to see what it looked like, and what it sounded like because Lauren and Tom gave each other the drum set for their wedding gift…it will be the centerpiece of the foundation that they have set up in his honor. Noble and Cooley sent the snare drum for John’s friend to play as Lauren walked down the aisle on her wedding day…his beautiful maple drum was there…made by a beautiful family for our beautiful day…and I just know that they probably didn’t make one penny on that set…which is just another example of how wonderful they are…and kind…and special…another gift that John has given me…
So my message this month is that if you look around you will probably see gifts you have been given too…although I will admit that sometimes you really have to look hard to find them… but they are there…to be cherished and treasured and appreciated … while you have the opportunity.

March 30, 2010 Full Worm Moon

2010-03-30T20:14:00.000-04:00

As the temperature begins to warm and the ground begins to thaw, earthworm casts appear, heralding the return of the robins. The more northern tribes knew this Moon as the Full Crow Moon, when the cawing of crows signaled the end of winter; or the Full Crust Moon, because the snow cover becomes crusted from thawing by day and freezing at night. The Full Sap Moon, marking the time of tapping maple trees, is another variation. To the settlers, it was also known as the Lenten Moon, and was considered to be the last full Moon of winter.

This month I have had the opportunity to witness how often people still think of John…his uncle had a benefit concert in his honor and people were just soo generous…it really took my breath away! In the course of the evening I spent time with lots of young moms and they told me that they liked my blog…especially when things got “tough” with their kids…so I decided I need to tell more stories about John…he was funny but he did drive me crazy…and I always thought that it was a reflection on me as a mom if he screwed up…which of course I now know couldn’t be more wrong…kids are suppose to screw up..that is their job….and our job is to help them work through the mistakes, to learn from them and move on…somehow Johnny turned out to be a sweetie in spite of how often I called me a “loser” (and I did it so many times that his friends from high school also called him that…should have been a clue to me to stop…but he just plain drove me nuts sometimes!!) And this is one of those times…

He waited until the last minute to get his college applications out…he told me that he had until the Wednesday of Christmas vacation to get them into the guidance department. I found out that he supposed to have them in BEFORE vacation and his guidance counselor was coming in on Wednesday especially to get his stuff ready…and that set me off right there….it went downhill from then on…

So, on Monday I told him I would help by typing the essential information into one application on my computer while he wrote the essay to another college on his computer…then we would swap. He agreed and while I was typing away, looking for social security numbers for every family member, etc. etc, I started hearing music…I honestly couldn’t believe my ears…no, he couldn’t be…yes,,, yes,,, he was! OH …. MY….GOD…( I can still get myself worked up just thinking of it) I ran upstairs to see if the essay was finished…trying to give him the benefit of the doubt…and nothing…I mean nothing …was on the screen…

I ran to the basement stairs and started flicking the lights on and off…that was the signal that I needed him..he couldn’t hear you if you yelled (although, as I think if it…he may have been able to hear me that day) Anyway, after a few vicious flicks of the lights he came sauntering around the corner to look up at me…very casual…not a worry in the world…and the first thing that came to my mind was “I am very glad that I bought you a hard case for your guitar because you will be playing it on street corners the rest of your life!!! Now, get up these stairs and get to work!”

I think I had a sore throat for three weeks I was yelling so loud…and he just walked by me as if I wasn’t even there…went back to work, finished the essays and brought them to the school….

Post Script…of course, he got into all the schools he applied to …who wouldn’t want the president of his class with good grades and so many awards…he knew that…he must have just had a song come into his head and he had to play it…and aren’t I glad now that he did…

The message was, and is, do not, I mean do not, sweat the small stuff…they do turn out ok…really they do …and if you are lucky enough to have one that can give you the funny memories that I have received along the way…Bonus!!

Full Snow Moon

2010-02-28T00:06:00.003-05:00

Since the heaviest snow usually falls during this month, native tribes of the north and east most often called February's full Moon the Full Snow Moon. Some tribes also referred to this Moon as the Full Hunger Moon, since harsh weather conditions in their areas made hunting very difficult.

I am letting my daughter Lauren have a go at this blog today...one of her good friends lost her brother this month and it brought everything back to her...I think that she has such good ideas to share...so here is her email to all her friends ..(with minor changes to protect those who are grieving)

I think that maybe this would help people who are depressed, to know that this heartache goes on and on for those who are left...and I wish that whoever hurt John could read this and know that we will be sad forever...Maybe if enough people read this BEFORE the actions they take change others lives they may think...and make a different choice.

Hi guys…. I obviously have not stopped thinking about this tragedy today. I wish more than anything there were no new members of my particular club, you wouldn’t wish this pain on your worst enemy, let alone one of your closest friends; and I’m pretty pissed that it has, (God may actually not want to let me in someday because my “Beef List” with him is getting pretty long).

When my brother died I first thought… how does this happen; we were a good family, I didn’t need to lose him to know how lucky I was, I always knew it. But you lose them anyway,,, then I thought ,well, ok, at least I’ve taken the “tragedy” statistic off the table… & I thought for sure I had at secured my friend's, my friend's families, the rest of my family at least, a little peace from loosing anyone else until we were nice and old… but then someone close to you loses someone they love, and another, and you realize just because you know exactly where the “death and dying” books are in Borders doesn’t mean your friends never will…

With that said I’ve been sitting here thinking what the hell is the point, we get it, we know how short life is, we know to cherish one another, our families… to live in the moment & be sooo incredibly thankful for those people who surround us; to say I love you & to say it again & again & again… you really can’t say it enough!

As I sit here consumed of these thoughts it occurred to me that maybe we experience these events & suffer sadness not so that you take the statistic off the table but so that you are better able to help your friends put their lives back together… so I thought I could share some things I have found that made it suck a little bit less and may actually help.

When I spoke with (my friend) this morning something she said really struck home for me… “ I get it now, what you’ve been saying, I get it; I’m alone”. It made me want to throw up actually and I figure if I just kept this to myself there really was no sense in experiencing it at all….so I thought I’d just share a few things about losing your brother and only sibling & maybe it may help any friends you may know in the future… I LOVE YOU all very much, you’re all beautiful woman & I’m extremely lucky to know you!

Things that make you feel a little less Shitty; when things are pretty f-ing Shitty….
Cards & Letters: -
BAD-I beg you no “Memory Quotes” Seriously though, these are THE WORST for a “sibling loss”…there should be a disclaimer on the back of these hallmark babies! (Ex. “at least you have the memories”, “find comfort in the memories” etc). when you’ve lost your sibling & only sibling at that… it just reminds you that your “lifetime backup memory” is gone; you know the one who can help retell the story of the worst Christmas gift you got & who gave it to you, who can remind you of the name of that kid you hated in 2nd grade…where you used to hide your blanket, (you get the idea)… when you lose your sibling you’re now responsible for EVERY minor memory you thought wasn’t important to retain because you virtually had a “second memory”. NOT to mention the enormous pressure of knowing you’re going to be the only one now making the plans for your parents future “Would mom have liked this nursing home? She hates purple” - these kind of questions occur to you over time & it gets REALLY LONELY!
-
GOOD -“F - This SUCKS”… THIS should be a hallmark card! Put this in a blank card & call it a day! Frankly there are no words when you lose anyone, especially your sibling. This is the person who you’re supposed to know the longest! It’s pretty difficult to wrap your head around the fact that at some point you will have a husband, friends & even children who you will have known longer than your own brother or sister, it kind of still makes me sick to my stomach! WTF right? So my advice … “F- This sucks” in a card will pretty much cover it. I really liked hearing this, it was refreshing & honest & it really summed up how I felt! – to each his own I suppose, but really… has a lovey dovey sympathy card ever made you “Feel good”? Get serious!
GOOD - Sending Food / Other items: -For the Friends of the Family: Send anything… even paper goods… there are a lot of people coming in and out of the house you’d be surprised how you need things like toilet paper, paper towels & hello, TISSUES!! -no one’s eating, but fruit baskets as lame as they sound… AWESOME! It was the only thing I could keep down & the juice felt really good on my throat which was pretty sore from crying… Also, fruit hydrates which is really good when you literally run out of tears- I know right, who knew it really happens!
To Say & Not to Say at a Wake / Memorial Service of a Kid (doesn’t matter how old… keep in mind if their parents are still alive, this is someone’s baby): -
BAD: Anything that reiterates “You’re alone” - “It’s just you now, you’ve got to be strong for your parents”… it’s seems obvious; but you’d be surprised the amount of people who say this! -Equally Bad: “He’d want you to be happy” – ok… well good luck with that then because I’m miserable… & who are you to tell me what he wants? -
Also Bad: “I’m sorry for your loss “ , I know this is a standard and if you like it, stick with it… but being on the other end, you really not feeling to “grateful” for your current situation & really don’t want to be “thanking” anyone. Don’t get me wrong, of course you will, we all do… it’s habit, but if you’ve got other options, give ‘em a whirl…
Pretty Bad: “How are you?” “How are you holding up” … Holy Cow; this should be a no-no at any wake or memorial service or for anyone who’s lost someone… how do you possible answer this? What sad person wants to say “Ok” … shocker, they’re not… OR what if they’re honest and say “Shitty” (Good for them by the way! ) … but seriously, that’s just awkward. Go with something someone can actually answer & feel good about themselves answering… such as…- GOOD: “On a scale of Terrible, how are you?”; “Pretty”, “Well that sounds about right, we Love you so much” (Insert Big Hug here) Come on who doesn’t like an I love you & a big hug.
Really Good: Share a memory ( is in fact different than reminding the person of their memories ) or a story…Any memory or story, good or bad. It doesn’t even have to be your memory… It could be a story you remember hearing. It could be so simple like “ He had the best laugh”.-
Excellent: Tell the story / memory you have and write it down in a card or letter! The person you’re telling probably isn’t in a position to remember the story long term. They’ll love hearing it but will most definitely want to read it & reread it & reread it… and then read it again to their kids someday (I’ve got quite the collection of “Kiddos , meet your Uncle” stories)!
After & Way After: -
GOOD: I read A LOT of “death and dying” books (this we know) and while a lot of you may not have “believed” in life after death or mediums you listened, you asked questions & you never led on that you might think it was totally whacked (thanks!). The most helpful was that you let me do was talk & talk & talk & talk …and when I thought I had talked enough… you asked more questions (troopers you were! ). Now I realize that I’m stating something you guys already do but does it hurt to know, “YAY You?!” I didn’t think so…- way after: I think this applies to anyone who’s lost anyone, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to reiterate… after the initial shock, the services etc… everyone goes home & you’re supposed to get back to “your life” (whatever the hell that is) … it gets VERY VERY quiet…. A random email, or text message, a phone call…just to say I’m thinking about you goes A LONG WAY! Or a hey “I saw this today & it made me think of you “ I still get those & you’d be surprise you usually get them on the days you most need it… they days when the one your missing is REALLY on your mind… so if someone randomly crosses your mind… let them know, they might need a little pick me up! One of the best I ever got was MONTHS after my brother’s service and it said “ I’m having a really bad day today thinking about John, but it’s ok because if it means that I’ve taken one ounce of what you’re going through for a day it’s worth it. “-
Just be around: People say that when a loved one dies it creates a hole…true; but not entirely, it’s a series of little holes. You might not think that you can help, you might not think you have something to contribute, you’d be surprised what hole you can fill. It might have been days, months, even years since you last spoke to someone, but when you lose someone you love like a sibling and especially your only sibling… you are alone; alone with your thoughts, with your grief, with your memories. Suddenly trying to remember who your neighbor was when you were little or what that snack was that they served in kindergarten becomes SOO important & that person you would ask those quick questions to isn’t here anymore. That person who would send a quick text message back answering your silly questions without having to get into a “how have you been, it’s been so long”… & so, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve spoken, no matter what your last encounter was… you can be that quick text message, you can remember that punch line of a joke, just be around and available to be whatever you’re needed to be… Of course ( & come on I know) you’ll never be complete, or replace the love but when enough people start filling all the holes that are left in your life; that’s when it starts to get a little bit better… So, for Alison or others you know who may be suffering, just be around. Think about if you lost your brother or sister, what’s a really small thing in your routine you would miss? Are they a great hugger? You can do that! Do they sing happy birthday on a voicemail instead of just wishing it? Yup, another thing you can do… We all have these routines; I’m pretty sure whatever yours is it doesn’t have anything to do with being related…and I’m pretty sure you could do it for someone / anyone you loved & I’m positive there’s someone out there missing it now!
I hope that if anything I’ve just shared has somehow helped or will help a friend of yours someday or that the sadness I’ve incurred has made me a better friend, then I can say it’s been worth it. Thank you for letting me pay it forward.

Full Wolf Moon

2010-01-29T22:54:00.002-05:00

I am so lucky to have people who are always looking out for me…and today I got a great piece of information from my husband’s nephew’s wife (thanks Beckie !) about the full moon tonight.

Tonight's full moon will be the biggest and brightest full moon of the year. It offers anyone with clear skies an opportunity to identify easy-to-see features on the moon. This being the first full moon of 2010, it is also known as the wolf moon, a moniker dating back to Native American culture and the notion that hungry wolves howled at the full moon on cold winter nights.

The idea of tonight’s moon being the brightest of the year made me think of John…he was such a bright light in the life of everyone who took the time to know him. I hear from his friends all the time that they think back to how funny was, or how talented, or what a good listener he was..etc…etc..etc..

I know I talk all the time about trying to be like John. To really listen to others, to take the time to “be in the moment” but today I want to take a minute to remind people to also share something of themselves with others…thereby helping others in a completely different way.

Everyone who knows me for even a day know I talk about John…I tell stories about how terrible his teachers in high school were to him and how he overcame it when he met some wonderful , “real” teachers at Syracuse. Ones who knew enough to look beyond the surface and see how smart he was, what a fabulous and persuasive writer he could be…and took the time to tell him so. And guess what..he graduated Magna Cum Laude from Newhouse School of Communication..quite a feat for a kid who couldn’t even get his high school teachers to induct him into the National Honor Society. (he was too unorganized) Even though he was the President of his class and constantly asked by those very teachers to help out with all their events… I use this example when I teach my graduate classes or the professional development I do in the hope that John’s story may help teachers become child centered. And I teach at Lesley University and work for Teachers 21…so I tell his story often…

But it is what happened last week during a workshop that has made me think all week…that I never knew I would be helping others when I tell that he died! I always tell teachers at my workshops my story, because I think it is important for them to know my credentials, and I always have to tell about John..it was a major factor in the choice of the job I have now. Well, after the workshop was over a young girl came up to me as they often do…but this time it wasn’t to ask questions about the presentation, it was to tell me that her husband had just died and she thought she could talk to me…and talk we did…about how we feel, how hard it is…and all I could think of the whole way home was how much like Mary and Lauren she was…but at least my girls had each other..this poor thing was alone…I thought about how many nights they sat on our porch drinking wine, smoking cigarettes (they have quit, thank God) and talking about what a mess their life had become. Now, Lauren has Tom and Mary has a career but this poor kid is alone…no one to talk to while she surely is doing exactly what my girls did…and I worried how is she going to move on? She really, truly, needs some “peeps”.

The really strange piece of this story is that the last course I taught had a woman in it that I had met at the only meeting of Compassionate Friends I ever attended. She lost both her daughters and not only did I connect with her at the meeting…we spent every break during the course talking about our situation..sharing strategies and feelings that only someone who has gone through this loss would understand…it was so nice to be able to say something that wouldn’t be perceived as weird ! So I had someone…and again…that poor kid is alone…sometimes John really has to hit me over the head with an idea!!

Anyway, my message to know how sharing a piece of yourself will help others. Will give them the courage to come to you to talk…to feel they are not alone…it is such a powerful gift to give to people…and something you would not be able to know about unless you take the first step and be honest and open. Good luck and I hope that you get to experience all the wonderful, kind, and generous people I have in the process!everyone this month is: Don’t be afraid to share yourself with others…you just never

Full Blue Moon

2010-01-02T14:59:00.002-05:00

Happy Blue Moon! Happy New Year!! The blue moon is the second full moon of the month and my daughter and her new husband picked that day to be married because they found the love that only comes once in a blue moon so couldn't resist the date (also, of course, as a nod to John)

I am so sorry that this post is so late...I did think I could squeeze it in on the 31st but that just didn't happen. I now realize there was a reason for that...my inspiration for the post didn't really come to me until about 9 PM...when I heard the song that my daughter and her new husband chose for their first song as husband and wife! I only cried twice that night..once when I heard John's beloved Mary sing the Ave Maria in church (not only was her voice beyond anything you have ever heard I knew that if he were here with us he would have been the one to play a song written especially for his sister, just as he did for his "adopted" sister Katie, when she was married in the same church. I was happy that Mary could stand in for him...

Then we got to the reception and Lauren and Tom began their first dance...I was expecting the song about loving you more than ice cream (Tom's family owns a driving range and an ice cream stand) but I was hearing one of my favorite songs that John wrote! And then I looked at the band and noticed that all of John's friends from Syracuse and Hamilton went behind the instruments and singing!! All of John's life Lauren and I got to listen to his first takes ... and every time he would ask us to listen she would ask him...is this the one about me?? Well, little did we know that the song he wrote about another would also be for her!! The song's title was "love is a sweet surprise" and it is so beautiful...I have been searching for the lyrics today but can't find them...guess he doesn't want to share just yet. It is a lovely piece about a boy who "never was, and never will be a guy who gets girls with lines" and that is just what her Tom is...so much like John...funny, smart, sensitive and genuine. They are so much in love...something she thought would never happen to her...a sweet surprise.

so, my thoughts for this new year are to never, ever, give up hope...and trust that there is someone always looking after you. It is a very difficult thing to do...believe me....but I know that it is true...John gave us a beautiful boy who loves our daughter, a wonderful family for her to belong to, and a unforgettable night with all our friends by our side to celebrate with...
I know that life has more difficulties ahead for me...but I am going to hold on to wonderful moments that are given and think of them as just what they are...gifts...to keep you going when you are down and out...that is my wish for you...not just once in a blue moon...but every moon.
Happy New Year!

Full Cold Moon

2009-12-02T00:01:00.001-05:00

Full Cold Moon. December is usually considered the month that the winter cold begins to fasten its grip. (Certainly true in Boston this year, it has been a very mild fall but today it was below freezing when I left for work!!)

Naturally I have been thinking of the holidays lately and with it missing John...still.

I have tried to snap myself out of the constant state of sadness by focusing on the fact that he was truly a gift given to me. A source of amusement (most of the time) to me his entire life. In fact once, when he was little, I was complaining about his behavior to my husband and the reply was "well, if you didn't always laugh at him he might behave better" (true, I did always think he was funny...even when he was a terror)

After John died I have spent my time focused on the sadness within my family but recently I have realized that he is so missed by many, many more people than I could ever imagine. The wonderful and talented man, (Scott Norton) who produced the first EP that John's band did offered to take all the recordings off his recorder for us...it was such a thoughtful gesture by an incredible guy who I would trust with John's work above all others. Well, we met him one night this fall when he came to Boston with a band he was working for and he told me how hard it was for him to do this work...to listen to John's voice, his songs, his little snippets of conversations to himself as he recorded. I have been thinking of it since that night and feel so much more gratitude towards him...if that was possible...I just never realized how hard that would be for a guy as sensitive as he is...and there is really nothing I could ever do to repay him for that...

Then, a few weeks ago, out of the blue we got an email from another friend of John's named Geneva, who was on Craig's list and saw instruments for free...so she let us know about it so we can get them for our little foundation! It is incredible to me to think that anyone outside our circle would still think of him...and try to help.

This just blows me away...and makes me realize that not only did I get him for a gift ... he was the gift that keeps on giving because so many people who he knew are still there for him (and by default..us) How lucky are we????

So, my thought this month is that if we try very, very, hard...we can find the good in anything. Believe me, I still feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest every day but I am trying...and I hope that someday I will trade the elephant for something a little smaller.

I do know this.... I am so grateful for the gifts I have been given in life, even if they were only given to me for a short time...they have all been worth it and I am glad that I knew it even when I had them...so take a moment to appreciate what you have been given...it may not be there tomorrow.

So..Thank you Scott and Geneva, you made realize how much I owe to so many like you who are always there...I do so appreciate each and every one of you and pray that you will be acknowledged by others too...for certainly your kindness is not limited to me.

Full Hunters Moon

2009-11-02T17:35:00.001-05:00

Happy Hunters Moon…Did you know that the names given to the full moon each month date back to Native Americans who lived in what is now the northeastern United States?
The tribes kept track of the seasons by giving distinctive names to each recurring full Moon. Each moon name was applied to the entire month in which it occurred. Though there was some variation among the moon names used by various tribes, in general, the same ones were used by the Algonquin tribes whose territory stretched from New England to Lake Superior. When the European settlers arrived, they adopted the custom, and also created some of their own names. Since a lunar month is only 29 days long, on the average, the full Moon dates shift from year to year.
November's traditional full moon name is the Full Hunter's Moon because the Harvest Moon came late (October rather than September), so when this happens, November's moon becomes the hunter's moon. (It is usually the beaver moon because traps are set at this time of year)

I find this so interesting and for some of you it may be the only thing that you will like from my monthly ramblings!

And speaking of which… I drove to school today and tried and tried to get a feeling for what I was going to write tonight…I had several ideas but nothing hit me and I was worried that for the first time I would sit at the computer and nothing would be there!!! I like to think that John inspires me..it makes my life easier to pretend he is still with me…so I was thinking today .. “Geeze, John, what the heck??? Don’t you know I still need you???

Well, I get to school and have a meeting with some parents I don’t know and the Mom starts talking about how her son from a first marriage is in jail and her daughter (who was the student we were talking about) misses him so much and doesn’t understand why he takes drugs and gets himself into trouble! We talked about the fact it is a sickness and people don’t always understand that…yada yada yada.. When the meeting was over she came over to me and thanked me! She said most people don’t understand (including her husband) but she said …he is still my son!! I told her never to be ashamed to be his mom…and told her “at least he is still here, and as long as you have him there is always hope!” I told her things could always be worse…she could be me! (and of course, told her about John) I think it did make her feel better…and I like it when his death could at least be used for some good…he would like it too..of that I am certain.( I found out later that the mother and father are in a rock and roll band…so I guess John was telling me not to worry, he is still here for me!)

It is John’s birthday this month and I have to say I am no closer to healing than I was when he died…I miss him more if that is possible…I am slowly beginning to realize that I am just never, ever, going to be really, truly, happy again…and it is a lot of work to get up every day and pretend otherwise. But that is my job now..and believe me … it is a job!
So, for his birthday…I would like to ask you to try to think of everyone you meet as having a story…and be understanding…because you never know what others are carting around for baggage…be thankful for what you have…it could ALWAYS be worse!!

John's Paver

2009-10-04T21:47:00.001-04:00

The Alumni at Syracuse have donated a paver in John's name. Check it out if you visit the Orange Grove. He would be humbled by this kind and thoughtful gesture.

October 4, 2009 Harvest Moon

2009-10-04T20:23:00.002-04:00

Full Harvest Moon. Traditionally, this designation goes to the full moon that occurs closest to the Autumnal (fall) Equinox. The Harvest Moon usually comes in September, but sometimes it will fall in early October as is the case in 2009; the next time won't come until 2017. At the peak of the harvest, farmers can work into the night by the light of this moon. Usually a full moon rises an average of 50 minutes later each night, but for the few nights around the Harvest Moon, the moon seems to rise at nearly the same time each night: just 25 to 30 minutes later across the U.S., and only 10 to 20 minutes later for much of Canada and Europe. Corn, pumpkins, squash, beans, and wild rice -- the chief Indian staples -- are now ready for gathering. Interesting, isn't it?

Well, every month I worry about what I am going to write about but this month it came to me several weeks ago and I haven't had anything else pop into my head that I think is better so here it is..
I was driving home from school one day and someones trash barrel had blown into the street. I thought about pulling over and getting it but I didn't ... I just kept driving and by the time I got home I was feeling so guilty I couldn't believe it!! I just kept thinking it wouldn't have killed me to get out and save that barrel ... and my feet weren't even killing me that day..so I had no excuse! Of course I knew John was disappointed...I will never forget the time that Lauren and John were driving home from school and saw an old lady dragging her barrel down a long driveway to her house. Lauren felt bad for her and mentioned they should help so she stopped the car and John got out..well, when he went to the woman she was frightened at first and then his soft charm took over and she let him take the barrel for her. I loved that story then and I love it still...the mental picture I have of the whole scene makes me smile....the world was a better place when he was in it.
so, I feel like a real stinker for just not taking a minute to help a stranger...and have felt guilty about it for a few weeks now...and the lesson I have learned from it is that it is so much better to carry a feeling with you when you have been kind to someone than when you missed a chance and have to live with the regret...you never know when you will run out of chances to do good...take them when you can and enjoy the happy, content feeling they will give you in return!

Full Corn Moon

2009-09-04T11:54:00.004-04:00

Sometimes this month's moon is also called the Fruit Moon; such monikers were used for a full moon that occurs during the first week of September, so as to keep the Harvest Moon from coming too early in the calendar.
.. just my little FYI of the month!! Hope you get to use this information today :)

For me, September has always been the beginning of the year. I have lived this timetable forever, and remember having an "ah ha" moment when my mom told me that when she went on vacation from work, the whole time she was there new work was still coming to her desk! That is life for everyone who works a whole year!! UGG...that really stinks. I like that my life has a beginning middle and end every year. I like the closure of June and the fresh beginning of September. There is always hope in that life.

I am sure you remember that when you went to school. You were always going to have a great year...new supplies would allow you to get your homework done in a timely fashion and not let things slide...You would love your teacher...and make new friends...it was going to be the best year of your life! You had positive expectations and that is a very good place to be...even if only for a little while.

Well, I have begun a new job in a new school system and this has given me the opportunity to think about that again. Even though I have had some first day (week) nervousness, I have been able to look at the situation and reflect on my past expereinces.

And... the one thing that has jumped out at me was how kind the administration has been to me. They have all treated me as though they are lucky to have me and taken the time to say it in front of me...which has really made me feel so welcome! I have always gotten along with my peers and have been lucky to work with many wonderful teachers...truly gifted and sooooo nice. But can't always say that for administration...maybe they forget that as they move up the ladder, which is too bad because good manners do count.

Which gets to my story of John. Everyone who knows him is aware of the many, many acts of kindness he was able to accomplish in his life...and I will probably use them as my starting point for as long as I can write these blogs...but I thought I would tell you of a time that he was so hurt by someone's lack of it.

When the band started to become popular people wrote about them in music blogs. Well, once, a person wrote a horrible blog saying not just that they were bad musicians but went on and on about how he wished they would all die and their families would die too...it was just plain mean. This person didn't know us (at least I don't think they did...if they did know us they could have probably have grounds for saying some stuff...we all let John carry the kindness banner for the family while the rest of us loafed) and of course, anything can be said on a blog without identifing yourself...so who cares, right? Well, let me tell you, it bothered John more than you can imagine...mostly because he couldn't get why someone would, or could, get so worked up to say things like that in a public forum. It was so out of his realm of comprehension! He didn't speak of it often but the one time he brought it up he even showed us the site, so I know he was hurt beyond belief. The funny thing about it is that they didn't even say anything too bad about him personally ...just something like the drummer is guilty by association...but it didn't matter to John...mean is mean any way you cut it.

Which gets to my current point about just having good manners, or treating people as you would like to be treated...I wonder about that post now, that John is dead...does that person feel bad? Does he wish he could just take it back? Well, he can't change the damage he did to John...but maybe we can all think a little before we put in print things we can't take back...it would be nice if we could also at least take today to also take a minute to think how what we say to people also hurts..but in the heat of the moment it is difficult to do. Written language is something different..we have the abilty to put that aside and reflect before it is published. So today, let's try to just use some good manners and think before we act...sometimes it comes back to you in ways (good or bad) that you would never imagine.

Good luck
:)

Sturgeon Moon

2009-08-05T18:10:00.000-04:00

My nephew died this month…twenty three years old… same as Johnny. Sad beyond belief…I can’t begin to explain the helplessness you feel watching your sister go through this pain. In some ways it is worse because you know the feelings so well but are powerless to help others cope.

Sometimes life just stinks.

But I must say that I am convinced more than ever that you have to be so happy for the gifts you are given every day…I certain I am not supposed to dwell in the sadness that can so easily envelop me...if we spend any time feeling sorry for ourselves because we don’t have as much money as we would like, or the job we want, or the family life we think we deserve, or perfect health..then we have wasted that time and we simply can not get it back…and who knows what events are ahead for us…we could actually look back at the current situation and think that was a piece of cake!!!

I have had many other issues in life that, at the time, I thought were horrendous! Boy, do they seem like little bumps in the road now...I often forget about them…but the feeling of someone sitting on my chest when I think about John just never goes away…ever…
Today when I saw Mrs. Ling rubbing and rubbing her daughter’s arm I remembered that when I had my one dream about John I was kissing and kissing his arm! And I was off…bad, bad day… God, I wish I had him back to hug and kiss and laugh with (or at)…or just get to be his mom again.

And then I just have to stop myself and not stay in this place. I have to think about the things in my life that are positive…my future son in-law who has made my daughter so happy that she has returned to the care free girl I knew when she was in grade school, my friends, my family... and I think I am lucky for that.

So…today…try to think of one thing that makes you feel lucky and hang on to that for dear life…because to have it is such a gift.

Happy Full Sturgeon Moon! The fishing tribes are given credit for the naming of this moon, since sturgeon, a large fish of the Great Lakes and other major bodies of water, were most readily caught during this month.

Happy Full Buck Moon.

2009-07-07T09:43:00.000-04:00

"July is normally the month when the new antlers of the buck deer push out of their foreheads in coatings of velvety fur. It is also often called the Full Thunder Moon, for the reason that thunderstorms are most frequent during this time. Another name for this month's moon was the Full Hay Moon." Thanks to Toni Twomey, she keeps me posted every month..I think they are so interesting so I am sharing.

Well, I have just joined the millions of Americans who are currently unemployed. My boss decided to break my job into two and I just have to deal with it…

It certainly isn’t the worst thing that has ever happened to me. In fact, it is not even a blip on the radar compared to my past two years so I am making the best of it!

And that has given me the opportunity to reflect on John’s work experiences, which were all a story in themselves. In fact, I am having trouble deciding which one to share!

Let me begin by saying that I only remember him looking for a job twice..and both times it was because he knew from experience that I would get him one if he didn’t and he would have a miserable summer because of it.

Once Lauren even got into the act. She had friends who were painting houses for the summer and asked if they needed help. The “boss” did her a favor and put John on a crew. About half way through the summer he told us that the jobs were over and we all felt so sorry for him. How was he to get a job with only a few weeks before school started? Well, Lauren bumped into her friend and he told her John was fired because he would fall asleep in his car at lunch and no one could wake him because he locked the door to his car! We probably should have known something was up when he told us that he was put on trim…I thought that was maybe he was detailed oriented, something I never noticed in him but was happy to think he was developing a good work ethic!

Couldn’t have been more wrong…

And the worst part is we actually hired him the next summer to paint our house…because he didn’t have a job (again) and I had tapped out all my friends. That was the worst experience because I was trapped in my house all summer…I would bug him to start work and then if I went out all work would cease! I had more paint in my house than outside because every time he would come in he would track the paint with him! He even got paint on Lauren’s car!! The funny part is that he actually wanted me to hire his friend too! They were supposed to both do my house and then do his….can you imagine what that would have been like??? God!
He was only truly happy when he could read, spend time with his peeps (including “the fam”) or play his music, and if I had had a crystal ball I would have let him, because I could still be hearing his beautiful lyrics and melodies today. I think now of my situation and it really doesn’t worry me because I look back and can see that he knew what was important…other people. He was such a devoted son, brother, and friend. He read a lot about many subjects so he could talk to anyone…and did. He gave everyone his full attention…because he didn’t worry about the mundane pieces of life..the ones you can’t take with you. He only worried about people…and how they felt, or what they liked…and those connections are what you leave behind. That is why so many people still think of him and act on his behalf…because he somehow knew to his core what counts.

So, today, I ask that you just spend a little time attending to someone fully, without worrying about the bills, the project at work that is due…your kids who are not acting as you think they should…just be “in the moment” for someone. It is not easy to do but you may get a surprise and feel good about life after you do.
Good luck!

Strawberry Moon

2009-06-07T17:53:00.003-04:00

Almost forgot to post today because I am still recovering from the HomeRun Derby we had yesterday. ...

When John died it was so diffcult for his friends because they were still so young and had never expected this to happen...so, in an effort to cope and keep the group together, one of his friends (Richard) came to us as they were all going back to thier lives and asked if they could all come back every June 3rd and "take us out to eat or something". How cute was that? These kids were just starting out or still in school and they wanted to come to treat us to dinner!! It was just the dearest gesture... and I got it.

So, when Lauren started the foundation to give kids the ability to borrow instruments we naturally thought that a fundraiser on that weekend would be a good idea...that way they could get together and have fun, and for me, remember happy times.

Saturday was our second annual "Home Run Derby" and I got to spend the day with all of John's friends ...from home and from Syracuse. John was a good athlete and loved baseball so all his friends from that area of his life had fun doing that and we also have all his friends that played music come and perform at the gazebo in our park where John played many times over the years. We have pictures of him drumming as a middle school student in his band "Johnny Elastic and the Rubber Bands" and then playing the guitar with "The Sunbeams" in high school...we even have a picture of him in the high school band, plume on the hat and all!! And as I sat and listened to his friends play his songs along with those of famous people I had to think how much he would have loved that day...it would have been his idea of perfection...sports and music. He would have been in awe of the number of people that came from so far away to pay homage to him...I know he would have been humbled by it because we always are.

I started thinking about the foundation that his sister Lauren has begun and wonder how we are going to keep it going...will these kids move on in life...get so caught up in their lives that they can't keep the committment? It worries me because Lauren is alone and clings to this for him. But then I realized that John would only care that people committ to something in life..to pick a cause that you have a passion for and support it ... in short...just help....contribute to the planet in some way...and that is what I would like to suggest today. For us all to take a minute before we fall asleep tonight to think of what good we can do, to pick something that we can keep at for a while, and do it. I have had mine given to me but many of you are lucky enough to actually have an option...and that is a wonderful gift to have been given in life. Good luck and thanks for your endless support.

Full Flower Moon

2009-05-08T20:19:00.003-04:00

John loved spring…Every year when John was in college we would have the same conversation at this time of year. School would be finishing up and we would be talking often to find out when he was finished with finals so we could come and pick up his stuff to bring home (which was always a truckload of musical instruments, including a full drum set, at least one guitar, an amp and a full sized organ along with his beer making equipment) It was testimony to how smart he was that he graduated magna cum laude when you notice how little “school” related items that went back and forth every year! People tell us all the time funny stories about his study skills!!!
But I digress…our discussions at this time of year always centered around the amount of bloom on the trees and did I think they would be out before he came home. He was very concerned that he would come home after the flowering trees had lost their flowers and the trees would be in full bloom. There was something about the color of the trees when they first bud that he loved.
Well, I was pulling out of our driveway this week and noticed that the sunlight was filtering through the baby leaves and it was just beautiful. Naturally I thought about him and wished he could be here to see it. But I also took a minute to thank him for teaching me to notice. So my full moon wish for you this month is to take the time to notice the gifts you have been given in life…sometimes they are so beautiful, simple, and free and to thank anyone who has made you stop and notice it!! Enjoy the beautiful spring.

ps. thank you Toni for telling me about the "flower moon" I think that is what made me notice the trees!

April 8,2009

2009-04-08T21:59:00.003-04:00

This month I have decided to share with you a beautiful poem John wrote. We found it after he died and have framed it because it was titled "for Mom and Dad"

To say that John was a handful when he was young is an understatement. There were times when he was two that I would lay in bed at night and tell my husband that I didn't say one kind thing to him all day.

Oh, the stories are endless...he told my 90 year old great aunt to "drop the pwesants and weave" at his second birthday..then when she tried to steady herself by holding on to the back of his high chair while we were singing happy birthday to him, he noticed she had invaded his space and proceeded to physically remove her hands! And the face on him while it was happening..we have it on tape!

He was caught more than once relieving himself in the bushes of the Carmelite Nursery and single-handedly caused the retirement of one nun...who told me once that the problem with him was that you couldn't make him cry! (to which I replied that I didn't realize that was a goal of nursery school)

It goes on and on...and I probably will mention more of them as this blog proceeds... However, I often think I wish that I could go back and tell him how much I always loved him, how proud I was of the man he had become..and to ask if I was forgiven for any time I had done anything that was hurtful toward him. In short, I wish I could ask him if I was a good enough mother...
and then we found this...

Blessed are the ones who sow
for they alone bring crops to grow.
And in the case of sickly stems
that others would soon stamp out
those who sow shall blanket in cold,
and water in times of drought.
Ironically, the tallest, proudest plant in the field
was scheduled to be stomped out long ago
and quietly it would have been
were it not for those who sow.

My point in all of this is that you just never know the lasting effect your actions have...and you may not get to fix a mistake or a slight...and you don't really know who the tallest, proudest plant will be...so this month, try to make sure you remember that...and treat every little plant as though it will become something beautiful...cause they do sometimes in spite of us..but just think of how much more good can be done if we try! (I do realize I somehow lucked out in life with John..he turned out great all by himself...but I hope that I can make up for the mean things I said or did to him...and all his friends know what I mean by that!)

March 10, 2009

2009-03-10T11:59:00.002-04:00

Although I really don't think John would like to be used as a role model because he never thought he was, in retrospect, all the little tiny things he did were so remarkable for someone so young. I don't think I gave him enough praise for them when they happened...and we all know how I can gush..Maybe this is my way of making up for it..If I can get enough people to just copy the things he did once a month it would make the world a little better for everyone.

so, here is my story...

As you know, our family loves any type of technology, so naturally, when iPods were first introduced Johnny got one for Christmas. Because it involved music he caught on right away (unlike some of the other gizos that were supposed to help him get organized) He spent a whole day putting his music on it..and in those days it was difficult because the PC to iPod connection was not very smooth. He was very organized and filled up the memory quickly, but he loved it. Used it in the car, etc.. He was into it.
Well, when my sister came with her kids, my niece Charlotte showed up with a new laptop. I was telling her about John's music and decided that I would let her borrow his music by uploading his iPod to her computer. We loaded iTunes and promptly wiped out his iPod when we tried to "sync" with Charlotte's empty computer! If I had taken the time to read the instructions I would have known that it isn't a sync at all..it is a one way transfer and because Charlottes computer was empty it took all her emptyness and transferred it into John's iPod! Then I think we made matters worse by somehow getting the music off his computer too...in any case it was not good..and I felt terrible for him.

What is noteworthy about this day was that he never said a thing except "that's ok". I asked if he was going to have to reload all his music and he said "yes, but it's ok" and he never brought it up again.

Ever...

never mentioned it when we spoke of situations like it or reminded me when he could have said..."mom.. remember when you wrecked my computer?? " He never did, not once. And so today my message is to let things go, don't harp on things, and just move on. I have never forgotten that I did that so I didn't need to be reminded. Now I look back and think of what a wonderful gesture it was for him to just forgive me and forget it...and I am thankful for that. And I love him more for it.

So today, when someone makes a mistake...try to let it go...

everyone will be better for it.

Thank you and good luck..it is not as easy as it seems to let go.

February 9,2009

2009-02-08T21:26:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone. Hope all that signed on to the one smile every day resolution is finding it easy to do. I think that by sending everyone this link to the Comedy Night that Lauren’s group is having will bring a smile to them. They work very hard to get this going…God love them, I know that John is proud of them. (www.sticksman.org)

Now for my message:
I know you all know how much I miss John every single day. I think of him all the time, no matter how hard I try to go back to my old self, I just can’t! Mary and I were talking about him last week and I mentioned how much I missed touching his hands, holding his face in my hands as I kissed him goodbye or hello, or his “way too hard” hugs. Mary misses the personal connection they had when she would snuggle into his neck. Even though I know I will be with him again, I ache for the human touch of him that I will never, ever feel again and I think that is the hardest for Mary too.

I wished that someone had told me to take a minute to think about those little things you would miss if you were not going to get to see the people you love again, and take the time to cherish them. I so want to hold those hands again, or kiss that cheek…so please take some time this month to do it…even if you are not very affectionate…it is almost Valentine’s Day so use that as the excuse.

Januray 11, 2009

2009-01-11T15:49:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year

It is difficult to let go of the holiday theme when you worked for 27 years at the elementary school level so naturally I have been thinking about resolutions this month. I don’t remember John doing much of it but I do think I certainly need to! I also don’t’ want to preach to others or suggest anything that I couldn’t do myself for a whole year and this is what I came up with; try to make someone smile every day.

It could be a thoughtful gesture or a funny remark or just a little surprise but all those things are not too hard to do and would make your world a better place. I think everyone could use a smile during these tough times and to be the person to give that little gift to others will make you feel better at the end of the day as well!

I hope John likes my plan…he is probably thinking I should be doing more than one to make up for all the times I make my family frown every day!!

December

2008-12-12T20:57:00.003-05:00

Sorry I am late with this post but it has been a crazy day. Spent the better part at a funeral and had to think how odd that I would spend this day..the full moon, at yet another funeral and then a mercy meal at the Community House. I used to think it was just horrible to have a loss at the holidays but now I know it doesn't make one bit of difference...they are never the same.

I did think of my post today and it occured to me that everyone should center their thoughts on the gifts they do have, right this minute, and be sure to take some time to appreciate them. John was certainly a master of that...he would have someone waiting in the driveway to pick him up and run to the shower because he had been writing music too long (sorry Tim, I did yell at him for that). But he never got worked up about it...and aren't we all so happy now to have his beautiful words and songs. And aren't we all glad that he did spend that extra minute with us..never rushing us..just being there..in the moment...for us.

It is so easy to get caught up in the things you think you should do at this time of year that it just isn't fun when the family comes..we are too worn out..Take it from John, being good to yourself allows you to give the gift of yourself to others, and that is something to treasure. So relax, no one remembers anything but the laughs and acts of kindness! So, focus on giving those to everyone you meet this year!

Love to all!

2008-11-12T20:56:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Full Moon
Happy, Happy 25th Birthday John.

This full moon is a “no brainer” for me. Naturally, in November, we all think about Thanksgiving and what we have to be thankful for (and I am beyond thankful for the wonderful friends John left us, who keep us going almost every day). But tonight, on the eve of the full moon, it is John’s 25th birthday so I also think of the 23 birthdays we had together…
From the 2nd birthday when he told my Mom and Grandmother and Great Aunt Anna to “just dwop the pwesents and weave” to the fabulous dinners we had as he grew up, when we would all dress in our finest and pick some place that was special and expensive and laugh and eat the night away! I can still picture sitting across from that handsome face with his smile that would melt your heart and think how lucky I was to have such an incredible family…and although my heart aches to return to that life I am thankful that I had it at all.
But I digress, because the real message for me tonight comes right from John because he was famous for his thank you notes. I have had more than one person tell me that they saved them…and after he died I actually got a copy of one he sent to Evelyn Lawnsby, thanking her for chaperoning a trip to the salt marshes when they were little… Anyone who has ever received a thank you note from him will understand… he was just able to put into words how he felt in his heart and it was so sincere! I never read, nor did I help with any of them…but I did have to haunt him to write them!
So, I hope you will take his lead and thank someone, anyone at all, today. While it would be lovely to actually write the words for them to keep and re-read I think he will be happy with just a simple word of thanks to any person you meet today who deserves it! And when you go to bed after doing that all day you will be able to think of how lucky you are to have so much to be thankful for!!
So, good luck and Thanks for listening!

October 15, 2008

2008-10-13T21:58:00.002-04:00

Hello again, another full moon is upon us!
I have been thinking about the financial issues lately and noticed how little they are bothering me. In fact, John and I spoke about it just today and we agreed that we just didn’t care!
I think that when you already lived through the worst thing that could ever happen to you it does make you think of what is really, truly, important. My wish for everyone who reads this today is that they will just take the time to look at how lucky you are to have a family you can count on…to laugh with…and make some happy memories.
In the end, simple things like “family fun night” are the ones you can look back on and it always makes you smile. One time we played the game of Life and John had so many kids that he needed two cars! John Ryan and Lauren thought it was the funniest thing they ever saw..their dad with 10 kids!
I miss hugging and kissing my baby every single day but I don’t ever have regrets about the fun we all had just being together…all of us would rather be together than with anyone else..and that is a blessing that I am thankful for.
So, today, spend some time with the people you love and take a minute to realize how lucky you are.

September 15, 2008

2008-09-14T18:12:00.000-04:00

Here we are again! Another summer has past and the days are already getting colder. As I sat at my computer to write this I noticed the wind chimes on our porch that have a piece of John in them…I will be taking them in soon because we don’t like to think of him in the cold. It was such a bad summer that I didn’t spend much time on the porch and therefore didn’t get to listen to his music.

I have been lucky to listen to the wonderful words of encouragement that you have continued to share with us. You have become his beautiful lyrics and have spread his “music” for him. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

This month I can also thank my wonderful sister-in-law, Marie for reminding me of another of John’s quirky, yet so kind gestures and thought that as you are packing away your summer clothes you may follow John’s lead.

As Ra Ra Riot climbed the ladder, companies sponsored them and one company was a New York clothing store called Ben Sherman. He would sit with Lauren, pick out clothes and put his order in. He was very funny and would agonize over every purchase. Well, he felt so guilty about getting free clothes that he started donating a piece of his own clothes for each one he got; and it was never some creepy old T-shirt he picked up at the Salvation Army, no, it would be something I had gotten him at Brooks Brothers or Burberry! I really couldn’t get too upset because it was, after all, the right thing to do but I must say I did hope just once to see a beat up shirt in the pile!

I thought of him this weekend when I packed a few of my summer things away and did put in some good shirts and shoes that I rarely wear… I know he is smiling about that.

Please feel free to reply..we love to read them!

August 17,2008

2008-08-15T13:37:00.003-04:00

Unfortunately, this week our town has suffered another tragic death. A promising 18 year old boy, a track star on his way to Dartmouth College, left his house one night and died on his way home. Our hearts are breaking for his family whose pain we feel deeply.

I have had to learn many things this last year but I must say that trusting there is a reason for this sadness is a constant struggle for me. There has not been a single week that has gone by that we don't say "Oh, John should be here for this." or "John would have loved that." It has become a part of our lives..something I fear we will say forever...

But, the one thing that brings tremendous peace & I never regret “over-doing” is that every single time I ever spoke to John, we told each other “I love you”; it was a family habit. We ended every phone conversation that way, every time one of us left the house, or were dropped off at school. Never did he not say it, or say it back! Even if he was with his friends during his pre-teen/teenage years. I would often marvel at that, that he had the courage to do it so openly. Looking back however, John always seemed to know the truly important things in life.

So, this month, if you catch a glimpse of the full moon, think of how incredibly lucky you are to have your family & friends and remember to tell them that... you will not regret it!

Love, me

Happy Full Moon!

2008-07-17T08:32:00.002-04:00

I have been thinking about my post for weeks because I am very afraid that I will run out of things to say (ok, not true, I am afraid that I will run out of ideas for this topic only, I will never run out of things to say!)

Well, I think John is helping me because last week I remembered that every time I would give him a compliment…on things that were to me so obvious about him…he would look at me and say, so earnestly, “thanks mom, … thanks a lot”

I miss that about him, his ability to make you feel good when you least expect it. I was always so glad I had thought to tell him whatever it was I thought he should be proud of…

So, that is what I was thinking I should suggest this month…give someone a compliment. Apparently there are lots of people out there that don’t get enough of them and don’t think they are noticed.

I have put all this on a blog so if you wanted to pass this on to someone who didn’t know our story they could read the whole thing and “get it”.

Have a nice day! And to get the ball rolling may I say that I have been so blessed by all of you, your support and kindness has pulled us through and for many days, given us a reason to get up. Thank you, you are all such wonderful friends, and we know how lucky we are to have been given the gift of you.

June 16, 2008

2008-06-19T13:55:00.000-04:00

Here I am again to remind you that the 18th is a full moon. Naturally, any act of kindness, big or small will certainly be wonderful but I was thinking this month that a kind act for the planet will count too! So, drive a little slower, remember to grab your cloth sacks when you go to the market, and John will be smiling on you more than he usually does!
Thanks for listening and have a wonderful day.
love
Paula

May 19, 2008

2008-06-19T13:46:00.000-04:00

As we come upon the first anniversary of John's death I find myself thinking back to that terrible day. We woke up in high spirits, looking forward to spending the day with our family and excited to be celebrating Charlotte's graduation. We didn't know that it would be the last moments of happiness we would ever have.

This has been quite a journey! I often wonder why we have to live through this nightmare, but as the year has progressed I realized that we have been given other gifts that help us. We simply would not be here today were it not for the many, many friends who have brought us through, from your visits and the countless thoughtful gestures. The memories of John that you have continue to share with us has been such a comfort, and the fact that you still think of him helps more than you know, because to us, it means he isn't forgotten.

That said, I am asking you all to help a little more. In an effort to find a way that I could honor Johnny and make him proud of me, I have decided that on every full moon I would ask everyone I know to try to remember to do one, small, act of kindness towards someone. (You can let someone move in front of you at the market or while driving, hold a door, etc.) John's kindness was, above all else, what everyone remarks about when they mention him. So I thought that we could change the full moon into something that will be a happy way to honor John and we would feel good about ourselves for doing it!

So, here it is, the first full moon. Good luck and thank you so much.

Please email me back if you do not want my reminders, I have used my global email because I am trying to get to as many people as I can...but I totally understand this can be a nuisance. If you do want to participate, feel free to email this to others!

Thanks for listening,
Paula Brophy Pike
(John's mom)